A seminar for the Economically Challenged

SOMETHING TO REMEMBER

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.

In a room of 200, he asked,who would like this $20 bill? Hands started going up.

He said, I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first,let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, who still wants it? Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, what if I do his? And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. Now who still wants it?

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It is still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it.

In passing this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Jesus at The Pearly Gates.

Jesus was standing in for St Peter at the Pearly Gates when an old man shuffles up. Jesus goes through the standard entry procedures:

"Name?" says Jesus.
"Joseph" says the old man.

"Occupation?" asks Jesus
"Carpenter" replied the old man.

"Family - Any children?" continues Jesus.
"I once had a son" answers the man.

"Describe him" says Jesus
"Well", said the old man, "He was a bit strange and childlike - and he had nails in his hands and feet".

Jesus looked closely at the old man who peered back at Jesus and asked: "Pinnochio?"

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Sheer Luck Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

Ever been accused of not knowing Jack Schitt.

Many People are at a complete loss when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of 'Knee-Deep N Schitt', inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious Couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Lotta Schitt, Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.

Against his parents wishes, Dip Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout, and had a child which they called Deep Schitt.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married a Mr. Sherlock and, because she had custody of the kids, she wanted to retain part of her previous name and so she became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Fulla Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son Chick-N. Schitt. Loda Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and, consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hors Schitt.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride: Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

What if 3 Wise Men were Women?

What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought practical gifts.

But what they would have said when they left...?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days

Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet !!
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.