Italian Police, German Driver

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

>

> The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them :

> "Itsa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"

>

> Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

>

> "Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.

> "Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans

>retort unbelievingly.

>"Look at ze dam paperz : Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"

>

> "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.

>

> "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your

> car and you are therefore breaking the law!"

>

> The German replies angrily " You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor

>over Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"

>

> "Sorry" respondes the Italian, "He canta comea ...

> He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."

Saved?

A man called Mark was lost in the Simpson desert
He was just about at deaths door, when he hears someone calling out his name. MARK MARK MARK
Thinking he,s saved, he crawls from his campfire over to the bushes, peers into the scrub and finds its a dog with a hare lip

Lucky Old Man

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "let me tell you a story:

I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." the doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "no." The doctor continued, "the bear dropped dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "someone else must of shot the bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Thinking on his feet

A man walked into a Woolworth’s supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?"the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager,"My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy,"Who did she play for?"

Community Channel was gone for three months .. why?

Throwing out process at home: my bin to my mum. Do you guys get the same thing? Everything is a waste. Poor mum. New Vid in 4 Days, keep up to date: Twitter http://www.twitter.com/natalietran Facebook:http://www.facebook.com/pages/community-channel/6783117830
Hope you guys have been well and I hope you have a fantastic weekend.
x

===

you get the picture ..

Old Math Puzzle Two Guards Two Paths

It is from an old math puzzle. I can't remember it well. But here is what I do.

"Two girls stand at an airport passageway.

One route leads to Quantas and the other to Branson's service.

One says you look nice and the other always tells the truth.

You are allowed only one question before continuing your journey (Sydney airport)."

I recall the solution being something like asking one girl what would the other say.

New Car Search

Corinna Slade

John Clarke, Bryan Dawes skit
[Scene: A car yard. BRYAN is perusing the stock. He is approached by JOHN]
John: Morning! Looking for a new car?
Bryan: Nope. New Prime Minister, actually.
John: You’re the third one this morning. Anything in mind?
Bryan: You know....... nothing fancy, reliable, economical family model. Something to get the country from A to B.
John: You mean like a Howard?
Bryan: Yeah....a little Johnny. Nothing flash, does the job. Low maintenance, economical, sensible. Runs for years, no troubles.
John: So.... you used to have one?
Bryan: Yeah. About 10 years. Great little model – don’t know why I got rid of him -- biggest mistake I’ve ever made…
John: What happened?
Bryan: Traded him in for a Kevin 07.
John: Big mistake…
Bryan: Lot of people bought it. Good political mileage.
John: How was the Kevin 07?
Bryan: Came with a $900 factory rebate – that was good.
John: Anything else?
Bryan: Not much. Sounded nice but nothing under the bonnet. It was a lemon.
John: Didn’t stick around for long did it?
Bryan: Nah – had a factory recall. Shipped overseas and was never seen again.
John: What was the problem?
Bryan: Lots. But the final straw was the navigation system. Plug it in and it automatically loses its own way.
John: Whatcha got now?
Bryan: It’s a Gillard-Brown.
John: The hybrid?
Bryan: Yeah. The Eco-drive system – not a good idea. An engine that can’t deliver hooked up to a transmission stuck in permanent reverse…
John: Green paintwork with a red interior. And steering that always lurches to the left for no apparent reason – that’s the one?
Bryan: The Fustercluck model.
John: The only one they made, Bryan. Not the vehicle of choice for the road to recovery – but did they finish up fixing the navigation system?
Bryan: Made it worse. Turn it on and it does a press release, heads off in all directions and goes nowhere.
John: So that’s why you’re here?
Bryan: That’s right. I’m stuck with a government that's wasteful, expensive, ineffective and past its use by date. I don’t suppose you’ve heard of the “Cash for Clunkers” scheme?
John: Join the queue brother.