Unsourced Jokes

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Saturday, September 28, 2019

Replacement Priest via DFK

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him.
The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.
The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional.
After a few minutes, a woman enters and says, "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asks "What did you do ?"
The woman says, "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times ?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do ?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: “How many times ?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."
The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do ?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times ?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times, then come and see me. We have a special this week, three for $5."

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Three ways, soda and shoes

Two Arabs and a Jew get on a plane to Washington D.C. the Jew sits down in the aisle seat right next to the two Arabs. The Jew takes off his shoes and gets comfortable. One of the Arabs say “I’m going to get a soda.” The Jew says “Don’t worry, relax, I will get it for you.” So he gets up and goes to the Flight attendants station and asks for a soda. When he is out of sight the Arab picks up one of his shoes and spits in it. The Jew then returns with the soda and the other Arab says “Hey, that looks good could you get me one?” The Jew says sure and with that he stands and proceeds to the back of the plane to get another soda. Then, the second Arab picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The Jew then returns with the second soda and sits back down and all three men enjoy their plane trip to Washington D.C. When the flight is over, the Jew puts on his shoes and realizes what has happened. He then says “Why must this go on between our two peoples, all the violence, all the hatred, all the spitting in the shoes, all the pissing in the sodas………………..

Sunday, June 18, 2017

English in the Future

English in the Future

Directors at Daimler Benz and Chrysler have announced an agreement to adopt English as the preferred language for communications, rather than German, which was another possibility.

As part of the negotiations, directors at Chrysler conceded that English spelling has some room for improvement and have accepted a five-year phase-in plan. In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Also, the hard "c" will be replased with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but komputers have one less letter.

There will be growing kompany enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replased by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.

In the third year, DaimlerKhrysler akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.

DaimlerKhrysler will enkourage the removal of double letters, whish have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"'s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps sush as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" by "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be droped from vords kontaining "o", and similar shanges vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis, and employes vil find it ezi to kommunikat viz eash ozer.

Ov kors al supliers vil be expekted to us zis for all busines komunikation via DaimlerKhrysler.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

Monday, May 08, 2017

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
In case you need a laugh:
Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed..
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causes throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.......... (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last...................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Fly in Soup

English diner, pointing to his soup which has a fly in it: Garcon,  le mouche,  le mouche!

Waiter: Non monsieur,  c'est LA mouche!

Englishman peers at the fly in his soup and exclaims: Good Lord you've got bloody good eyesight! 

Saturday, October 08, 2016