Unsourced Jokes

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Fly in Soup

English diner, pointing to his soup which has a fly in it: Garcon,  le mouche,  le mouche!

Waiter: Non monsieur,  c'est LA mouche!

Englishman peers at the fly in his soup and exclaims: Good Lord you've got bloody good eyesight! 

Saturday, October 08, 2016

Thursday, November 27, 2014


A man is sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He has no arms and no legs.
Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland,
Walk past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman asked, "'ave ya ever been f****d laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."

.. from DK

Monday, March 24, 2014

DFK on Oscar Pistorius

Anyone making jokes about Oscar Pistorius is just prosthetic !

... She didn’t notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs

... Too many Oscar Pistorius jokes already. Trying to come up with a new one is like taking a shot in the dark

... I hope he can foot the bill. It does not look like he has a leg to stand on.

...Rumour has it that his girlfriend gave him a pair of socks on Valentines Day and he lost it right there and then.

... Oscar clearly misunderstood when his girlfriend told him that on Valentine’s Day he had to take her out

... New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend’s murder……………. Footprints !!!
Daniel Katz's photo.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Thanks for answered prayer

Appreciation to Ronnie S and Naomi R

To defend a land you need an army, but to defend freedom you need education
Jonathan Sacks


This is one of the nicest e-mails I have seen and is so true:

I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said,"This is the Receiving Section". Here, all petitions to Hashem said in prayer are received.

I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world. Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section. The angel then said to me, "This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them." I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.

Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. "This is the Acknowledgment Section, my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed." How is it that there is no work going on here? ' I asked. "So sad," the angel sighed. "After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments"

"How does one acknowledge Hashem's blessings? " I asked.

"Simple," the angel answered. Just say, "Thank you, Hashem. "

"What blessings should they acknowledge?" I asked.

"If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish, you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy. "

"And if you received this on your own computer, you are part of the 1% in the world who has that opportunity."

"If you woke up this morning with more health than illness. You are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day."

"If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation. You are ahead of 700 million people in the world."

"If you can attend a shul without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world."

"If your parents are still alive and still married, you are very rare."

"If you can hold your head up and smile, you are not the norm, you're unique to all those in doubt and despair."

Ok, what now? How can I start?

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you as very special and you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world who cannot read at all. Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you care to, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are

ATTN: Acknowledge Dept. 

"Thank you Hashem, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people with whom to share it. "

If you have read this far, and are thankful for all that you have been blessed with, how can you not send it on?

I thank Hashem for everything, especially all my family and friends.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The call Annie Wan

Chinese man CALLS
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? 
CallerWell... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe
Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to
the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an
urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name

Monday, November 26, 2012

Husband 1.0 program

A woman writes to the IT Technical support 
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
DEAR Madam, 
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. 
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. 
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7
Good Luck Madam!

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does