Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Life after death?

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked his employee.
"Yes, Sir." the employee replied.
"Well then, that makes everything just fine. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you"
===
Found online from Maria Nguyen ..

Monday, May 24, 2010

Rushing Math Mistake

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16mph over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be any-where without teachers, I'd say zero."

He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."

Green Golf Balls

A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro asks her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"

Feeling Sick

Two immigrants meet on the street.
'How’s by you?' asks one.
'Could be worse. And you?'
'Surviving. But I have been sick a lot this year and it's costing me a fortune. In the past five months, I've spent over $10,000 on doctors and medicine.'
'Ach, back home on that kind of money, you could be sick for two years.'

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

IRS

Moshe, the owner of a small Kosher New York deli, was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
'Why don't you people leave me alone?' the deli owner said. 'I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out; the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?'
'It's not your income that bothers us,' the agent said. 'It's these travel deductions. You listed ten trips to Israel for you and your wife.
'Oh, that?' the owner said smiling. 'Well... we also deliver.'

GPS

Scene: A conversation between two of my friends.
Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?
Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.
Friend #1: What's a GPS override?
Friend #2: My wife.

What do you Want me to Wear?

Rhoda and Irwin, a retired couple living in Boca Raton, are getting ready to go out to dinner.
Rhoda says, 'Irwin, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?'
Irwin says, 'Do I care?'
A few minutes later Rhoda says, 'Irwin, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?'
Irwin says, 'Who cares?'
A few more minutes pass and Rhoda says, 'Irwin, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?'
Irwin says, 'Rhoda, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your tuchas, we're going to miss the Early Bird Special.

View

As a realtor, I deal with all types of people. Recently, I showed a home to a couple who seemed eager to check out the fantastic view from the living room. But when I dramatically pulled back the drapes, the disappointed husband asked, "Where is the view? Those mountains must be blocking it."

The Race Track

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the race-track. The broker suggested betting $12,000 on a certain horse. The analyst was skeptical; he had never been to the races before and wanted to understand the rules and look over all the horses before placing a wager.
"You're too cautious and detail-oriented," the broker criticized as he placed his large bet. His horse won and he raked in a bundle of money.
"What's your secret?" the analyst asked.
"It's simple," the broker explained. "I have two kids... ages two and six...so I add their ages together and bet on number nine."
"But two and six is eight, not nine!" protested the analyst.
"See!" the broker replied, "I told you you're too cautious and detail-oriented."

Friday, May 07, 2010

Grant T. COOK 's brilliant reply to an idiot

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot barman.
The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What’s your IQ?”

The man replies “150” and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, Quantum physics and spirituality, bio-mimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nanotechnology, and
sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, “This is really cool.” He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink.

Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, “What’s your IQ?” The man responds, “About 100.” Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time about league, Holdens, racing, the new BIG Mac, tattoos, Jennifer Hawkins and women in general.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot
one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies, “Err, 50, I think.”

And the robot says...real slowly… “So...............are ya gonna vote for Kevin again?

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Guru

Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel agent. "I vont to go to India."
"Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's full of poor, dirty people."
"I vont to go to India."
"But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, God only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I vont to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending line of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.
"Dotz OK."...she says.
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that due to the long lines she can only say SEVEN words to the guru.
"Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon his eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holiest she is once again reminded:
"Remember, just SEVEN words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostrate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says: ...
"Sheldon, I'm your mother. Come home...NOW!"

The Governor

A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after mid-night. "I need to talk to the governor, it's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer.
After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor.
"Judge Pierson just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney.
"Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the funeral home," replied the governor.

Business Trip

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Harry Houdini

I'm the postmaster for a small town in Pennsylvania. One of my regular customers, Jeff, bought several sheets of newly released commemorative stamps.
Soon after he left, a woman came in carrying two crisp sheets of Harry Houdini stamps she'd found in the parking lot.
The next morning, I gave Jeff the sheets of stamps he'd lost. "You know," Jeff said to me, "I'm not at all that surprised the Houdini stamps reappeared."

Garden of Eden

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel.
As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?"
Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

Monday, April 12, 2010

Golf Genie

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife promptly whacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and se e how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
'Uh...yeah, sir.. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie , and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'
'Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
'No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!' 'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
'You know I love you sweet heart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other in every way. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'NO SHIT.' He said, 'Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?'

Monday, March 29, 2010

Shabbos

Moshe and Miriam, a young orthodox married couple, were expecting their first baby. Unfortunately, Miriam's water broke on Shabbos, and they had no choice but to call for a taxi to take them to the hospital's maternity ward.
Because Moshe wanted to try and minimize the Shabbos violation, he told the dispatcher that he must send them only a non-Jewish driver.
The taxi quickly arrived, but when Moshe and Miriam were getting in, they overheard the dispatcher on the two-way radio ask the driver, "Have you picked up the anti-Semites yet?"

Garter

Helping me sort clothes into "save" and "give away" piles, my six-year-old daughter came across a garter belt. "What's this?" she asked.
"It's a garter belt," I said. Seeing that meant nothing to her, I added, "It's for holding up stockings."
"Ah," she said, carefully placing it in the "save" pile, "we'll use it next Christmas Eve."

Prospective Tenant

A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asking the usual questions. "Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."

Monday, March 22, 2010

Is it Okay to Take Viagra on Shabbat?

One Rabbi says that Jewish law forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violate the infraction of erecting a structure on the Sabbath.
But another Rabbi says that as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath, it is permissible. But it is banned during Passover along with all other agents causing things to rise.

I love this Doctor!

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A:You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A :Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you...

Doctoring In Dublin

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
'Murphy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So,Murphy, how was your day?'
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.'
'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''
'Tunderin' lard Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes!'

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Passover is Approaching

At the seder table, every Jewish child will be retold the story of Moses and the Pharaoh, and how God brought boils, locusts, hail and the other plagues onto the Egyptians. Yet in spite of this overwhelming evidence of God's intentions,

Pharaoh refused to let the Jews go, until a tenth plague, the death of the first-born children was inflicted on every Egyptian home, passing over the Jewish homes. Only after this tragedy did the Pharaoh relent and let the Jews leave slavery and Egypt to begin their journey to the promised land.

This has been known for generations.

What has not been known is why the Pharaoh, in the face of such overwhelming evidence would refuse to release the Jews after the first nine plagues?

It took eight years of research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, the renowned psychologist and nurse, to find the definitive answer. Dr. Kubler-Ross spent those years studying the Dead Sea Scrolls before discovering the answer. And once found, it was obvious The Pharaoh was still in de Nile.

My New Car

Recently I bought a new Subaru Forrester but I had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The car salesman explained that the radio was voice activated and demonstrated this brilliant feature.
"Nelson," the salesman called to the radio.
The radio then responded "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he called back and immediately the radio burst into song "On theRoad Again".
Then the salesman calls "Ray Charles," and in an instant "Georgia on My Mind" immediately replaces the Willie Nelson song.
I drove away very happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd receive beautiful classical music for the afternoon.
Then I would say "Beatles," and I would hear a multitude of those great awesome songs from the 60-80's.
It was fun and even my wife even got into it too.
"Billy Joel" and up came 'The Piano Man"
"Rolling Stones" and up came "Jumpin Jack Flash" plus many other great Stone's hits.

But yesterday, I had the best experience of all.
A couple tried to run a red light and I nearly creamed my new car, but luckily I managed to swerve in time to avoid hitting them.
I immediately yelled in anger, "Arseholes!"
Guess what!
Immediately up came the ESSENDON Team Song through my speakers!!
Goddamnit, I just LOVE this new car!

Gasoline

Becky, who belonged to a synagogue group devoted to visiting and helping the sick members of her congregation, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her the only gas can he owned had been loaned out but she could wait until it was returned. Since Becky was on the way to see another patient, and behind schedule, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she always had handy for needy patients. Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car which was decorated with many Hebrew decals and bumper stickers. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across The street. One of them turned to the other and said: "If it starts, I'm converting to Judaism."

Sitting Together

A reform Rabbi was having an argument with an orthodox rabbi. He asked him, "Why don't you let the men and women of your congregation sit together as they do in my congregation?"
The orthodox Rabbi replied, "If you want to know the truth, I don't really mind them sitting together at all. The trouble is, however, that I give sermons and I can't have them sleeping together."

Flying

Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing: turbulence. I was working as a flight attendant on one particular flight when we hit a patch of very rough air just after a young teenager, obviously on her first flight, had entered the bathroom. After the bumps had sub-sided, she exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on her face.
"Are you all right?" I asked as I helped her to her seat. "Don't worry, that turbulence was as bad as it gets."
"So that's what it was," she said. "I thought I'd pushed the wrong button."

In a Supermarket

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . . .. the little bastard's name is Steve."

Monday, February 22, 2010

Bar Mitzvah Invitation

It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension, that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son
Jacob Adam
is called to the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.
Saturday, May 12th - (yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880
at the ungodly hour of 9 am
even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20am to catch the real action.
If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the kiddush (its just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which starts at 7 PM, (not 8 PM.. or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport, CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)
You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, fake bling and brand new white ankle socks as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees, most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling, and most "tootsed" to the nines. At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending, or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show. Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number.
"Off the top of your head" gifts & Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.
Hope you can make it!
Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional Theme: 007 James Bond
BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength.

Application For Permission To Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME: ___________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH: ____________

HEIGHT: _______________ WEIGHT: __________________ IQ: _______________

INCOME TAX NUMBER: ________________ DRIVERS LICENSE: _______________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: ________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS: ____________________ CITY: ___________ POSTCODE: _____

Do you have parents? Yes ___No_____

Is one male and the other female Yes ___No_____

If No, explain: _______________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married: ________________________________

If less than your age, explain: ___________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? Yes __No__

B. A truck with oversized tyres? Yes __No__

C. A waterbed? Yes __No__

D. A vehicle with a mattress in the back? Yes __No__

E. A tattoo? Yes __No__

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,

pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly

button ring? Yes __No__

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you? ________________

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend: __________________________________________________

How often you attend: ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _______________________

Mother? ______________________

Priest or Pastor? _______________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be: _________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: ________________
C: A woman's place is in the: ___________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is: ______________
E. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ________________________________
F: When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is: _____________
G: What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _________________________



I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, INDIGENOUS AUSTRALIAN BULL ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE and RED HOT POKERS.
___________________________________________________________________

Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ____________________________

Mother's Signature Father's Signature

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State or Federal Government Representative

_______________________________ (Their stamp goes here)

Notary Public

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and beep you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Sydney Harbour Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool, places where there is darkness, places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Cricket games are okay...Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Break Time

I'd had enough of my employees' abusing their allotted break time. In an effort to clarify my position, I posted a sign on the bulletin board: "Starting immediately, your 15-minute breaks are being cut from a half-hour to 20 minutes."

Jewish Eskimos?

I was speaking with an Anthropologist, who was studying the Inuit (Eskimos).
He is a Methodist, unfamiliar with Jewish customs.
He told me of a group of Inuit who mourn the death of relatives by sitting on small blocks of ice for a week after burial.
When I asked him what they call this custom of sitting on a block of ice, he replied: "I think they call it sitting shiver."

Chocolate Calculator

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5.. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759.
If you haven't, add 1758.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number
(i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

The Fight

A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"

At a Jewish Burial Society

At the Jewish Burial Society two Jewish gentlemen were working at the society, when a corpse was sent to them to be prepared for the burial.
One of them, looking at the dead man 's penis, asks: NU, YOSSL HOST DU SHOIN GEZEIN AZANE?
(Yossl, have you ever seen one like this?)
Yoss l says: AVREIMALE, ICH HOB DEM ZELBE.
(Avi, I've got one just like it)
Astonished, Avreimale asks: AZOY GROISS?
(as big as this one?)
Yossl answers: NEIN, AZOY TOIT!
(no, as dead as this one!)

Importance of Walking

Walking 20 minutes can add to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $7000 per month.
***************************************
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we don't know where he is.
***************************************
I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.
***************************************
I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
***************************************
I joined a health club last year,
Spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there?
***************************************
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
***************************************
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'
***************************************
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
***************************************
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years ...
Just getting over the hill.
***************************************
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
***************************************
AND
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
***************************************
You could run this over to your friends,
But it's much easier to just e-mail it to them!

Getting Married

"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

Son-In-Law

Mr. Shwatrz goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Sol.
He says to Sol (who is very religious), "So nu, tell me Sol my boy what do you do?
"I study the Torah," he replies.
"But Sol, you are going to marry my daughter, how are going to feed and house her?"
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
"But you will have children, how will you educate them?" asks Mr. Shwartz.
"No problem," says Sol, "I study Torah and it says G-d will provide."
Mr. Shwartz goes home and Mrs. Shwartz, his wife, anxiously asks what Sol is like.
"Well," says Mr. Shwartz, "he's a lovely boy, I only just met him and he already thinks I'm G-d."

Expensive Cigars

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Birthday Party

Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friends house.
Knowing his sweet tooth Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."
"No," replied Tommy, "but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without me asking."

Committing Adultery

Moses saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Moses. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Hashem..." Moses cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

Explanation of Stimulus Bill

Shortly after class, an economics student approaches his economics professor and says, "I don't understand this stimulus bill. Can you explain it to me?"
The professor replied, "I don't have any time to explain it at my office, but if you come over to my house on Saturday and help me with my weekend project, I'll be glad to explain it to you." The student agreed.
At the agreed-upon time, the student showed up at the professor's house. The professor stated that the weekend project involved his backyard pool.
They both went out back to the pool, and the professor handed the student a bucket. Demonstrating with his own bucket, the professor said, "First, go over to the deep end, and fill your bucket with as much water as you can." The student did as he was instructed.
The professor then continued, "Follow me over to the shallow end, and then dump all the water from your bucket into it." The student was naturally confused, but did as he was told.
The professor then explained they were going to do this many more times, and began walking back to the deep end of the pool.
The confused student asked, "Excuse me, but why are we doing this?"
The professor matter-of-factly stated that he was trying to make the shallow end much deeper.
The student didn't think the economics professor was serious, but figured that he would find out the real story soon enough.
However, after the 6th trip between the shallow end and the deep end, the student began to become worried that his economics professor had gone mad. The student finally replied, "All we're doing is wasting valuable time and effort on unproductive pursuits. Even worse, when this process is all over, everything will be at the same level it was before, so all you'll really have accomplished is the destruction of what could have been truly productive action!"
The professor put down his bucket and replied with a smile, "Congratulations. You now understand the stimulus bill."

Speeding

A police car pulled me over near the high school where I teach.
As the officer asked for my license and registration, my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.
Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I told him I was.
"I think you've paid your debt to society," he said with a smile, and left without giving me a ticket.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Next Survivor Series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, and complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of 'pretend' bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time--no Emailing.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.
He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to Accident and Emergency.
He must also make biscuits or cakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, adorn himself with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning, feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 8:00 am.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name.
Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labour, each child's favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up. All the above must be completed whilst working in either full time (preferably) or part time employment to assist in the financial input for the family.
The kids vote them off the island based on performance. The last man wins only if... he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years eventually earning the right to be called Mum!
After you get done laughing, send this to as many girlfriends as you think will get a laugh out of it and as many men as you think can handle it! Just don't send it back to me....
I'm going to bed!

New House

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer and a carpenter. One afternoon he returned early from work and saw a plumber's truck in the driveway.
"Lord," he pleaded, looking skyward, "please let her be having an affair."

Wisdom

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. Yiddish Proverb
What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. Yiddish proverb
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. Yiddish Proverb
One old friend is better than two new ones. Yiddish Proverb
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb
Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor. Jewish Proverb
A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb
"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat.
Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. Golda Meir
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Albert Einstein
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. Albert Einstein
When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits." Albert Einstein
Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein
The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. Albert Einstein
You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Yiddish proverb
Imagination is more important than knowledge. Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton.
Not everything that counts can be counted and not everything that can be counted counts. Albert Einstein
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. Albert Einstein
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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