Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

A seminar for the Economically Challenged

SOMETHING TO REMEMBER

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill.

In a room of 200, he asked,who would like this $20 bill? Hands started going up.

He said, I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first,let me do this. He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, who still wants it? Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, what if I do his? And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. Now who still wants it?

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It is still worth $20.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled,and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value: dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE. You are special - Don't EVER forget it.

In passing this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it can bring. Count your blessings, not your problems. Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Jesus at The Pearly Gates.

Jesus was standing in for St Peter at the Pearly Gates when an old man shuffles up. Jesus goes through the standard entry procedures:

"Name?" says Jesus.
"Joseph" says the old man.

"Occupation?" asks Jesus
"Carpenter" replied the old man.

"Family - Any children?" continues Jesus.
"I once had a son" answers the man.

"Describe him" says Jesus
"Well", said the old man, "He was a bit strange and childlike - and he had nails in his hands and feet".

Jesus looked closely at the old man who peered back at Jesus and asked: "Pinnochio?"

CHINESE PROVERBS

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Sheer Luck Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

Ever been accused of not knowing Jack Schitt.

Many People are at a complete loss when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt". Now you can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of 'Knee-Deep N Schitt', inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious Couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Lotta Schitt, Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt.

Against his parents wishes, Dip Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout, and had a child which they called Deep Schitt.

After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married a Mr. Sherlock and, because she had custody of the kids, she wanted to retain part of her previous name and so she became known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Fulla Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son Chick-N. Schitt. Loda Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and, consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Hors Schitt.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new Italian bride: Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

What if 3 Wise Men were Women?

What would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought practical gifts.

But what they would have said when they left...?
"Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
"That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
"Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!"
"Can you believe that they let all of those disgusting animals in the house?"
"I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
"And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
"Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"

Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days

Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet !!
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Just smile and say "Yes, Mistress."
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

THE 10 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a fuck.
3. How about "never"? Is "never" good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ahhh, I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
9. Are you coming on to me or having a seizure?
10. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

News from Heaven

"Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's 'only son' last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she 'had loved God for a long time, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was 'thrilled to have had His child.' In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that 'No sexual relationship existed,' and that 'the facts of this story will come out in time, verily.'

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Angelic Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to His illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the 'Wise Men.' Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate 'That God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal'. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a 'tough-on-crime' plan consisting of a series of 10 'Commandments,' which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses.

Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the 'Name in Vain' Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. "

Architect Like Programmer

If architects had to work like programmers:

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted.When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen shoul dbe designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time,for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.

I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also likein our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

The things you NEED to know.

Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to Test telex/two communications)

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and purple.

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades - King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain.

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

Snails can sleep for 3 years without eating

The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

How to Impress

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
Wine & Dine her,
Don't forget to call her,
Hold and hug her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle her,
Shop with her,
Surprise her with gifts,
Show her affection,
Hold her hand,
Write her love letters or poetry,

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked.
Bring beer.

Ethnicity of Jesus

Subject: Scholarly Debate

Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus.

Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence........

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was bilingual
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He started a new religion

But then there were equally good arguments that....

JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But perhaps the most compelling evidence.....

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.....

MANAGEMENT LESSONS

From M Collard THESE ARE FEW OF THE MANAGEMENT LESSONS WHICH ARE NOT TAUGHT IN THE SCHOOL OF BUSINESS.

Lesson Number One ***************** A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two ***************** A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Lesson Number Three ******************* When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.

All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

Lesson Number Four ****************** A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some ofmy droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung,he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


The Bonus Question

The following is (said to be) an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm exam. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with his colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student however wrote the following:

"First we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing with time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets into Hell, it will not leave. Therefore no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With the birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume of Hell. Because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a faster rate than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So Which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year that - "...it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you" - and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then No. 2 cannot be true; and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.

Mind you it could only arise in a science subject. As Karl Barth pointed out years ago "The altitude of Heaven and the temperature of Hell are not fit subjects for Christian theology."

CONSUMER PRODUCT LABELLING

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions from various international consumer products?? ...

* On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

* On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

* On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

* On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

* On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

* In an American guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

* On a packet of American Sunmaid raisins: WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

* On an American Sears hairdryer: DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

* On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips: *YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. * DETAILS INSIDE.(The shoplifter's special!)

* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.(Too late! You lose!)

* On a Korean kitchen knife:* WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.(As opposed to use in outer space?)

* On a Japanese food processor: NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.(Now I'm curious!)

* On British Sainsbury's peanuts: WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.(Really?)

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

* On a Canadian child's Superman costume: WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

* On some British frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

* On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

* On a British Boots' "Children's" Cough Medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

* On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.(Duh!)

* On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment?? ...?? )

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Burn's Hog Weighing Method:

(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
sawhorse.
(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
perfectly balanced.
(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
Robert Burns

One Liners

Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
I ain't broke, but I am badly bent.
I always did like climbing trees.Do you think it could be genetic?
I asked about my family tree once and they told me I was a sap.
I can't be fired slaves have to be sold.
I desire that we may be better strangers.
I didn't know lasers could be printed.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I do not pretend to know what the ignorant are sure of.
I don't care what they say, I still like you.
I don't eat snails; I'm a fast food kind of guy.
I don't know what it is but it's in great condition.
I don't meet competition, I crush it.
I don't think therefore I'm not.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve
it by not dying.
I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.
I don't work here, I just hold a position.
I dont nead no speling cheker!
I doubt therefore I might be.
I em a wunderfull spelur.I tipe vari gud two.
I feel more like I do now that I did a while ago.
I finally thought I had it made and they threw something else at me.
I finally got it all together and promptly forgot where I put it.
I gave it up until Lent.
I got lost in thought once.It's the only time I went.Easy to get lost
in unfamiliar territory, y'know.
I had my head examined.They didn't find anything.
I hate to repeat gossip so I'll only say this once.
I have a really good memory except that it's so short.
I have a rock garden.Last week three of them died.
I have a vitally important role serving as a bad example.
I have become comfortable numb.
I have been poor and I have been rich.Rich is better.
I have PMS and a handgun.Any questions?
I kinda like this music; my compliments to the clef.
I live in the state of denial.
I multitask...I read in the bathroom.
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay.
I tried playing my shoehorn but all I got were footnotes.
I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.
I used to be indecisive, no I'm not so sure.
I want either less corruption or a chance to participate.
I'd love to but I have to recharge my flamethrower.
I'll bet you can't stop reading here.See, I knew it!
I'm a person of color and my color is white.
I'm a solid supporter of whichever side eventually wins.
I'm as poor as Job, but not nearly so patient.
I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
I'm in total control, but please don't tell my wife.
I'm not a bad typist, my fingers stutter.
I'm not arrogant, I'm right.
I'm not breaking the rules, I'm just testing their elasticity.
I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
I'm not conceited, I'm convinced.
I'm not insane, I'm affected by a high degree of intellectual independence.
I'm not lost, just temporarily misoriented.
Your absence makes good company.
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
Your apartment is not a boa's natural habitat.
Your call will be answered in the order in which it was ignored.
Your code is theoretically beautiful, but it won't work.
Your email has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Your ex just called...She works for the IRS now.
Your ignorance cramps our conversation.
Your karma just ran over my dogma.
Your motherboard wears combat reboots.
Your proctologist called.He found your brain.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Your solution is moronic.The problem, however, is quite interesting.
Your work is very poor, but at least it's slow.
Your Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
Youth isn't a time of life, it's a state of mind.
Youthful figure:What you get when asking a woman's age.
Zulu time:A Zulu warrior with time on his hands.
Zygote:A gamete's way of producing more gametes.
Lead by example.
Lead, follow, or get outta the way.
Learning is a wondrous thing.
Learning makes people fit company for themselves.
Learning without thought is labor lost.
Left lane must turn right.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
Lemonade:First aid for lemons.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let he who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it my Monday.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...enough already!
Let length(walk)length(pier).
Let me know if this message doesn't get through to you.
Let no good deed go unrewarded.
Let problems make you better, not bitter.
Let x x.
Let's keep this adult now, okay Mr. PoopyPants?
Let's play horse.I'll be the front, you be you.
Let's spend this night together.
Let's win this one and go home.
Liar:One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Lie:A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
Life and liberty are safe only when congress is in recess.
Life has a lot of undocumented features.
Life is a dirty trick.
Life is a game.Money is how we keep score.
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
Life is a tragedy for feelers and a comedy for thinkers.
Life is a yoyo and mankind ties knots in the string.
Live long and prosper, but don't let the IRS know.
Live long enough to become a problem to your kids.
Live:Know the past; help the present; touch the future.
Loafer:Someone trying to make two weekends meet.
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Long live the C64!Ggguys?I was only kiddin'... BANGLooks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Lose weight:Eat stuff you hate.
Lost interest?It's so bad I've even lost apathy!
Love conquers all except poverty and toothaches.
Love is a grave mental disease.
Love is being stupid together.
Love is blind to everything except fat.
Love is chemistry, sex is physics.
Love is grand; divorce, twenty grand.
Love is like a baseball game; four balls and you walk.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love makes the world go round.
Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.
Lunacy is my best personality trait!
Lunatic Asylum:The place where optimism most flourishes.
Macho does not prove mucho.
Maintainer's Motto:If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Two is company, three is the result.
Two types of people:Those who finish what they start and those
Ultimate office automation:Networked coffee machines.
Unable to retain coffee; back in just a minute.
Unbreakable toys are good for breaking other toys.
Uninsured?Call San Andreas Equity at 310NOFAULT.
Unsolicited advice answers unasked questions.
Unspeakable error in module FE at address $
Up the proverbial creek without a means of locomotion.
Upgrade (v):Take the old bugs out and put new ones in.
Use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion.
Use roman numerals on your income tax return.
Usually insane, in lucid moments I'm merely stupid.
Vanguard:The person left behind to guard the van.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Very good, Einstein, but next time show your work.
Veteran, Bermuda Triangle Exploration Team 19951955.
Viaduct?I dunno, why a duck?
Virtual Reality, for people who can't handle the real one.
Virus strikes African antelope!Gnus at 11...
Vuja De:The feeling you've never been here before.
WAIT!!! Don't pick up the pho^$L%'#!(
Want the right answer?Ask the right question!
War does not decide who is right, only who is left.
Warning:The surgeon General has started smoking!
Warranty void upon final payment.
Watch out for barking dogs that bite.
We believe in free will.We have no choice.
We give nothing so willingly as our advice.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself.That's enough.
We need more unemployed politicians.
We're judged by what we finish, not what we start.
We're lost but making good time.
We've experienced a 360 degree turnaround.
We've missed you, but we'll aim better next time.
Weather's her; wish you were beautiful.
Weight Loss:The triumph of mind over platter.
Welcome to last year's meeting of the Procrastinators' Club.
Welcome to the International Tongue Wrestling Championship.
Welfare is a narcotic, a destroyer of human spirit.
Welfare:A program that promotes laziness and bastardy.
Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.
What a lovely world it is that has women in it!
What are the instructions doing in the trash?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What did you get on your IQ test?Drool?
What do batteries run on?
What is the world coming to?A dead end.
What part of "No" didn't you understand?
What principles?I'm trying to get elected!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What was wrong with the ham before it was cured?
What would chairs look like if our knees were reversed?

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can.Originally came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can.However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessedseparately. Soon to be disontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer.All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.The ingredients list is not on the can.If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know."A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular.Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's.Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz. can.Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously.Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower.Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up.You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful.The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer.It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them.Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, had some of the same ingredients that come in DOSBeer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators.The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 Beer starts shipping.Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some wierd German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing.Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group.It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely unbeer-like contents.Best drunk in high pressure development environments.When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to anunknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA.Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicials Desk Reference as a tranquilizer,but no one can claim to have actually seen it.The biggest problem is before you can drink any one of them you have tobuy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.
(author unknown)

Last Things Said

The Last Things Any Man Would Ever Say:
10) I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9) While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Her tits are just too big.
6) Sometimes I just want to be held.
5) That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4) Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3) We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I
can hold your purse.
2) Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1) I think we are lost, we better pull over ands ask for directions.

THE LAST THINGS ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
10) Could our relationship be more physical?I'm tired of just being friends.
9) Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7) Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6) Please don't throw that old T-shirt away,the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5) This diamond is way too big!
4) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2) Does this make my butt look too small?
1) I'm wrong, you must be right again.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST

ENGINEERS EXPLAINED

People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the non technical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology orientated people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.

Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there is somebody in your life who is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST You walk into a room and notice that the picture is hanging crooked. You: A. Straighten it B. Ignore it C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar powered, self adjusting picture frame, while often stating out load your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron. The correct answer is 'C' but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole thing on "Marketing".

SOCIAL SKILLS Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. "Normal" people expect to accomplish several different unrealistic things from social interaction: o Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation o Important social contacts o A feeling of connectedness with other humans In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions: o Get it over with as soon as possible o Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant o Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1) things that need to be fixed, and (2) things that will need to be fixed after you have had a few minutes play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people do not understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF +STAR TREK+ Engineers love all of the +Star Trek+ television shows and movies. It is small wonder, since the engineers of the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it is true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have higher paying jobs before losing their virginity. Male engineers reach the peak of their sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistibly erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions: o Bill Gates o MacGyver o Etcetera Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about 30 minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it is a warm day.

HONESTY Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That+s why it is a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who cannot handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies, but technically are not, because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below: o I won+t change anything without asking you first o I+ll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow o I have to have new equipment to do my job o I+m not jealous of your new computer

FRUGALITY Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimisation, that is, +How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash ?+

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely.

Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a couple of days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it+s a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS o Hindenberg o Space Shuttle Challenger o SPANet (tm) o Hubble space telescope o Apollo 13 o Titanic o Ford Pinto o Corvair

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this: RISK: Public humiliation and the deaths of thousands of innocent people. REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: +It+s technically possible but will cost too much.+

EGO Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers: o How smart they are. o How many cool devices they own. The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it+s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex - and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems.

At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

Friday, May 14, 2004

The Value of Time

To find the value of time I interviewed many people:
To find the value of 10 years I interviewed a newly divorced couple.
To find the value of one year I interviewed a student who'd failed a final exam.
To find the value of nine months I interviewed a mother of a still-born baby.
To find the value of a month I interviewed a mother of a pre-mature baby.
To find the value of a week I interviewed an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To find the value of an hour I interviewed lovers waiting to meet.
To find the value of one minute I interviewed people who'd missed a plane, bus or train.
To find the value of one second I interviewed accident survivors.
To find the value of one millisecond I interviewed Olympic Silver Medallists.
I have come to the conclusion that all time is relative.

Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian Citizens!!

1) Only in Australia... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2) Only in Australia... is "you awake?" the standard concept of foreplay.

3) Only in Australia... do Supermarkets make the sick people walk all the way to the back of the store to get their Panadol's etc while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4) Only in Australia... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries... and a Diet Coke.

5) Only in Australia... do banks leave both doors open, have no armed guards and chain the pens to the counter.

6) Only in Australia... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway, and store our junk in the garage.

7) Only in Australia... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8) Only in Australia... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process of Government. "Poli" (poly) in Latin meaning "many" and, "tics" meaning blood sucking creatures".

9) Only in Australia... do we live by the saying "you're never too pissed if you can still find the floor".

10) Only in Australia...Can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

11) Only in Australia...Are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

12) Only in Australia...Do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions.

13) Only in Australia...Do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

14 Only in Australia...Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

15 Only in Australia...Do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the, driveway and put useless junk in the garage.

16 Only in Australia...Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place..

17 Only in Australia...Do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

18 Only in Australia...Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering!


Stand proud Australia....!!!

Whose Job Is It?

This is a story about four people. Their names were Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

In answer to the question are there any significant experiences you have had or accomplishments you have realized that have helped to define you as a person Hugh Gallagher wrote to the University of New York
"I am a dynamic figure often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations during my lunch times. Making them more efficient in the area of heat retention.
I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban Refugees. I write award winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and cook 30 minute brownies in 20 minutes. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water I once single handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesday, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist. A concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. Last summer, I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. My deft floral arrangements earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost. Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish the dining room that evening.
I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week. When I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of physics don't apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact Origami. I have made extra ordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams.
I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, have performed open heart surgery and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college"

Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
Empoyee's Lingo.
===============
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
Life Before Computers.
=====================
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-1/2 floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they wish they were dead!

Employer's Lingo

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well,
a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

World's Easiest Quiz

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

All done? Check your answers below!
---------------------------------------------














ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ:
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

Webster.

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife.

But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Thus, Webster's Dictionary was born.

Psychiatrist.
============
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"

The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful."

"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.

"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people."

"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.

"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution."

"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.

"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle."

Jewish Buddhism.

*The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.

*Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

*Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

*There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

*Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

*To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

*Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

*Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

*If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

*Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

*The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

*Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

*The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

*Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

*In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"

*To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

*Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

*Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.

Deep Thoughts Jack Handey

Deleted by request of anonymous demand claiming to be the author

Thursday, May 13, 2004

CHURCH NOTICES

This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the north and south ends of the church. The children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday, at 7:00 p.m., there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers' Club. All those wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in his study.

Wednesday, at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All the ladies giving milk will please come early.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Hooker to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken up to defray the expense of a new carpet. Will all those wishing to do something on the carpet come forward and get a piece of paper.

Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johson will sing: "Put Me in My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.

The services will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.

A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belser, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belser.

YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . .

You sue your wife for divorce because she has a much better job than you do.
You retire, only to get a better job as a janitor.
You think blondes are "pretty sharp cookies."
You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week".
Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
You've ever stabbed the back of someone's hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken
When packing for vacation, you biggest decision is whether to use paper or plastic.
There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
The family business requires a lookout.
You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.
You slam the door on your truck and your shotgun creates an instant sunroof.
You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can ride in the truck, too.
You've ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
Your mother has ever been arrested for poaching.
You've ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine.
Your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security alarm.
Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field."
You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.
You've ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.
You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
Your welcome mat says. "You'd better have a search warrant."
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
The only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a shotgun.
You converted ~our carport into a beauty shop.
You think the "six to ten pounds" on the side of a Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"
You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
Your idea of a summer vacation is running through the sprinkler in the front yard.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
You forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house.
You feel guilty about hitting that guy for what he said about your mother because he was just telling the truth.
You hold a frog and it worries about getting warts.
You paint your ear with house paint.
You paint your house purple because that color was cheaper.
You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
You're still upset about "Gunsmoke" being canceled.
You drove to elementary school.
You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You're wife ever lost you in a poker game.
You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
You've ever had sex behind a gas station... with the attendant.
Your sister subscribes to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.
The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did of the high dive.
You say "I heard dat!" more than three times in a two-minute conversation.
You know how to milk a goat.
You're family has a two room house so you have to sleep with your sister and cousin, and you begin to like it.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rear view mirror.
You have a tire swing in your house.
Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
If you look up to and have deep respect for your insurance salesman.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify~.
Your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.
You've ever taken out a restraining order against your mother-in-law.
You sell rabbits out of your car.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with your armpits.
You have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.
Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
MI of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
You wash your car more often than your kids.
You're not allowed to mention the game warden's name in the house.
You see a sign that says "Just say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.
Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.
Your Christmas lights shut down the local power grid.
There are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus.
Blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard.
Everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.
You know anyone who plays the accordion.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car.
Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
The Orkin man tells you, "Give up; you've lost."
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You have ever been run over while rabbit hunting off the front of your pick-up.
Your ear breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
Your idea of a really big time is shooting rats at the dump.
You've ever been the first person in or the last person out of a video arcade.
There are antlers nailed to your car hood.
You've ever left Santa Claus a PBR and a Slim Jim.
You pay your baby doctor with home canned black-eyed peas, and he looks
forward to it every season.
Your parrot can say, "Open up, it's the police!"
You think paprika is a third-world country.
You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.
Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.
You think "recycling" means going home from work.
Your roof has a leak from when you where practicing your quick-draw
You think toilet water is exactly that. .
You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
You shp for groceries at a gas station.
Your car stereo cost more than your car.
You we the bed and four other people immediately know it.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your dog doubles as your dishwasher.
You live so far out in the country that your newspaper is yellow by the time you get it.
Your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.
The EPA moves everyone out of your neighborhood do to rust contamination.
Your dog was crushed when your home fell of the cinder blocks.
Your dog can smoke a cigarette.
You've ever heckled during a eulogy.
The Roto-Rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that smell?"
Your wading boots double as dress pants.
The last photos of your mama were taken from the front and side.
The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
People hunt in your front yard.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
You hang pickled eggs and pop4orts from your Christmas tree.
Today's dinner was to slow crossing the highway yesterday.
Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.
Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year."
Your mother gives you tips on how to sneak liquor into sports events.
You ever felt like you got took on a mobile home trade in.
Your idea of going formal is a black truck.
Your younger sister explained the birds and the bees to you.
You have a tattoo that says, "Born to bag groceries."
All the art in your living room was purchased at gas stations.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
Breakfast every morning is interrupted by someone asking, "Anybody seen my teeth?"
Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight.
You wake up with Red Man in your hair.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
Your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.
When you talk about great mullet fishermen, Granny's name always comes up-
You have orange road cones in your living room.
You can take your bra off while driving.
You get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
You walk into a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth.
You can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells."
You can't schedule a family reunion until afte3r the parole board meets.
You can't get cheap long-distance phone service because none of your friends or relatives have phones.
You have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.
You get your oil changed by your barber.
Girls' night out is held at the Laundromat.
There is a ham hanging from your front porch.
You can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.
Dust storms make you homesick.
Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
You have to mow your driveway.
You give away more free puppies than the Human Society.
You can't visit any of your friends or relatives without getting mud on your tires.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born,.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a mo~e
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BlGOT.
Your family tree does not fork.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call....'
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your life's ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You consider a sixpack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle~
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You've used lard in bed.
The primary color of your ear is bondo.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You barbecue Spam on the grill.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your front porch falls in and kills more than three dogs.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Dude".
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue Ellen to walk by.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sport event.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave `em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?".
If you think one of the only good things about cars is that now there is a lot less horse stealing.
If you've ever bought a car where everything makes noise except the horn.
If you think a complete, seven-piece camping outfit is a blanket and six-pack.
If your favorite mall is three pickups backed up to the highway.
If the only streetlight in your town is an RC machine in front of the general store.
If people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator for any reason.
If you are not a lawyer, but spend more time in court than Perry Mason.
If you were your ex-wife's sixth husband.
If you think good manners is pulling cream in your coffee before you pour it in your saucer.
If your family business was wiped out when they invented automatic car washes.
If you think one of the greatest issues of our times is that there are ten hot dogs to a package but only eight buns.
If anyone you know has ever tried to sneak a sheep into a cheap motel room.
If you can't ask your mother-in-law to move because it's her house.
If you think that "speaking northern" is multilingual.
If your granny died in the rocker two weeks ago and you just noticed.
If you proposed to your wife over a romantic dinner in the Wal-Mart dinner.
If you've noticed your girlfriends name tattooed on three or more local bikers.
If you've noticed your girlfriend has the names of three or more local bikers tattooed on her.
If your sister's resume includes six-years at Big Maggie's House of Painful Delights.
If the emergency number you leave with people is an adult bookstore.
If you've ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times.
If you've memorized the phone number of at least one bail bondsman.
If your idea of a classy restaurant is one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets.
If you pick up your date early so she can help with the laundry.
If you've ever refused to pay for a meal because that sushi stuff tasted just like raw fish.
If you think Roe v. Wade are two different ways to cross a river.
If you readily answer anyone who shouts "hey you!"
If you've ever used the term "blanket head" while visiting Iran.
If your idea of a balanced breakfast is a Bud in both hands.
If you own a dog named Killer.
If you've ever been attacked by the KICK on your way home from your job at Joe's Oil and Lube.
If any member of your family has ever been arrested on an obscenity charge in a movie theater.

A Canonical List of Nun Jokes

1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: None.

2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!

3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."

Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You've know this priest a long time already. What would he give for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than
he with his pants down."

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak... Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door.
The nun calls: "Who is it?"
a voice answers: "A blind man".
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:
"Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes
grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem, he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party".


This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. Then the man sayeth unto her saying, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?" She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're tired."

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.

There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like this?" The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir. I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation." The perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how might it be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said, "When she sees me this way, she'll be shittin a brick."

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him. "Twenty bucks a trick!" These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?" She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"

A nun is driving her (well, the convent's) car through some very lonely countryside. The car stops and she notices there is no petrol left. So she walks to the nearest filling station. But of course, being
a nun, she is a little unworldly, and so she forgot to take along the canister for the petrol. The nice guy at the filling station has no canister either. He thinks for a while, then he hands her a chamber-pot full of petrol. The nun walks back to her car and starts pouring the petrol into the tank. A bypassing car stops, and the driver looks out and says: "Sister, how I would like to have as much faith as you do!"

Married To A Nun

I'm a married man but I have no fun
'cause I got married to a lady nun
'nd I can't even dare to say
what really happen' on the weddin' day
'nd then I said, I'll fool around
sneak at night and make no sound
pay a visit to the lady neighbor
spend the night 'nd do some labor
but then she caught me at the door
'nd banged my ass right to the floor
'nd now I'm married 'nd I have fun
just lying idle in the sun

During a blizzard, a parishinor of a Milwaukee parish was in a bad accident near Green Bay. The priest and nun from Milwaukee were driving up to the hospital the victim was in, in case last rites (sp?) were necessary. As they were driving, the storm got worse and worse. Finally they decided they would have to stop for the night because the roads were so bad. The only motel they could find was already full of stranded travellers. The clerk told the priest "Since you are a priest and all, I will give you a room for the night, but I just can't give you each a separate room, you will have to make do with two beds in one room." The priest thanked him and payed for the room. during the night, the power went out, and the heat went out with it. Luckily there were a lot of blankets is the closet. After a while, the nun asked, father, father, I'm cold--so the priest got another blanket and put it on her. After a while longer, she said "father, I'm cold, can you get me another blanket," so he did. After a while, she again asked for a blanket. This time the priest responded "I think in the situation we should pretend to be husband and wife in order to keep warm." The nun was stunned and didn't think it was appropriate, but he was the priest, so she really couldn't argue. She said "O.K., father, if you are sure its proper we can pretend to be husband and wife" to which he responded: "SO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"

A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the (male) driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled. The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

Blog Archive