These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme. html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5 or Beer 6.1
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7
Good Luck Madam!
IT SUPPORT DESK
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Sunday, November 04, 2012
Clearly the stockman was not paying much attention, yackking with those closest and even quite far away.
Julia endeavoured to attract his interest with slower single syllable words.
As she was doing that, she kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around her head.
The stockman says, "Yer havin' some problem with them circle flies?"
Julia stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."
"Well ma'am," the stockman replies, "Circle flies hang around these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
"Oh," Julia replies and resumes rambling.
But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's arse?"
"No, ma'am," the stockman replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call their Prime Minister a horse's arse."
"Thank you for that respectful explanation," Julia responds and resumes rambling once more.
And the stockman adds slowly ...
"Hard to fool them flies, though."
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see the President and the Secretary of State before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The Whi
Soon the word arrived; President Barack Obama and Secretary of State Hilary Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Barack commented to Hilary , "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images and might even get me re-elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT". Hilary agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Barack's hand in his right hand and Hilary's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Barack Obama spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Hilary. "Amen", said Barack .
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
> The Italian customs officer stops them and tells them :
> "Itsa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro!"
> Vot do you mean, it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
> "Quattro means four!" replies the Italian official.
> "Quattro iz just ze name of ze fokken automobile" the Germans
>"Look at ze dam paperz : Ze car is dezigned to carry 5 people!"
> "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
> "Quattro meansa four. You havea five-a people ina your
> car and you are therefore breaking the law!"
> The German replies angrily " You ideeiot! Call ze zupervizor
>over Schnell! I vant to spik to zumvun viz more intelligence!!!"
> "Sorry" respondes the Italian, "He canta comea ...
> He'sa buzy witha two guys in a Fiat Uno."
- I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.I'm the Conservative Voice.I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill.
I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.
I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious).
I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..
Ignore my politics, the media does
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