Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Friday, October 28, 2005

The lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, Under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir,you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

Female Brain


Female Brain
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Deep scan

Male Brain


Male Brain
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Deep Scan

Political Systems Explained

For those struggling to understand political systems, fear no more …
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.
DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to decide who gets your milk.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first, the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours take the cows and kill you.
LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you take harmonica lessons.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Analysis


Analysis
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
http://www.eonline.com/Fun/Games/Whodo2000/game.html

Some of the choices are very challenging

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Bin Lager


Bin Lager
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Vic Bitter?

Bovine Lessons

Explained in terms easily understood........


TRADITIONAL CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using the letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows. ....and the one on the left is kinda cute....

Suk New Zealander

Wiremu, a New Zealander, landed at Heathrow to watch the All Blacks and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I don't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave
him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had prostate
problems, and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Pommy doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated but, with only hours to go before the All Blacks opening game he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said "Wiremu, you have prostate sukness ey".
"What's the cure thin doc ey?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Pommy bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Kids books for Christmas

So with Xmas coming, the parents among you will be looking for the right combination of presents to buy. But boy, can it be hard. So, I've done extensive research, so far as you know, to bring you the definitive list of books no child should be without:
1. You Were an Accident
2. Strangers Have the Best Sweeties
3. Some Kittens Can Fly!
4. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mum Stopped Loving Her
5. All Dogs Go to Hell
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. You Are Different and That's Bad
8. Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games
9. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
11. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
12. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
13. What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
14. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
15. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

President Bush


President Bush
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Why Democrat calls didn't get through for Katrina aid

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Party


The Party
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Fine Young Cannibals

CONTIKI (or Con & Taki's) - Western Sydney Lowlights.

9 DAY TOUR

DAY 1 -
Meet your new travel-mates in our hotel in Beautiful Emu Plains. At night you have the chance to score your own crack in Cabramatta.

DAY 2 -
After breakfast we will get mugged in Minto before having lunch at Blacktown KFC. Tonight why not participate in a riot at Macquarie Fields!

DAY 3 -
Today is your choice! You have the option of fishing in Blacktown Creek or taking a day-trip to the Kings Cross Heroin Injecting Room. Tonight we experience a cabaret show at Rooty Hill RSL, "The Vegas of the West".

DAY 4 -
After seeing the real bullet holes in the walls of Granville Police Station, we will get car-jacked in Sefton before being an accomplice in a stolen WRX and ram-raiding a cigarette store in Fairfield.

DAY 5 -
Today we will get the shit bashed out of us in downtown Punchbowl by a gang of 30 or 40. We will have lunch at Auburn Macca´s before an afternoon swim in the Parramatta River. Tonight is party night as we head up the coast to Gosford's classy Club Troppo.

DAY 6 -
An early start today as we witness a convenience store hold-up in Blackett. We then have an opportunity to get knifed in Bonnyrigg. Tonight we get caught up in a riot at a Canterbury Bulldogs game.

DAY 7 -
This morning is another early start as Silverwater Prison is the backdrop to our group photo (optional). We then take part in a shoot-up at picturesque Lakemba. Tonight is an included dinner in the Bistro at Blacktown RSL.

DAY 8 -
Today is a free day to explore the beautiful suburb of Mt. Druitt at your leisure.

DAY 9 -
Today we explore Villawood Detention Centre. In the afternoon why not take part in a guided tour down Everleigh St, Redfern. In the evening a chance to farewell your new friends at the end of tour dinner at Krispy Kreme Penrith.

9 days travelling in the comfort of a Ford Escort with bullet-proof windows and sub-woofer.
6 nights accommodation in F1 Hotels. 3 nights in Best Western Hotels.

Day song - "I shot the Sheriff". Wake-up song - "Gangster's Paradise".
Driver - Wazza. Tour Leader - Mustafa.

Only $199 plus food fund. (Personal Injury insurance of $4000 not included)

Saturday, October 15, 2005

KY gel


KY gel
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Get it?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

TX vs. LA

2 States, 22 Observations

1. Texas: Productive industrious state run by Republicans.
Louisiana: Government dependent welfare state run by Democrats.

2. Texas: Residents take responsibility to protect and evacuate themselves.
Louisiana: Residents wait for government to protect and evacuate them.

3. Texas: Local and state officials take responsibility for protecting their citizens and property.
Louisiana: Local and state officials blame federal government for not protecting their citizens and property.

4. Texas: Command and control remains in place to preserve order.
Louisiana: Command and control collapses allowing lawlessness.

5. Texas: Law enforcement officers remain on duty to protect city.
Louisiana: Law enforcement officers desert their posts to protect themselves.

6. Texas: Local police watch for looting.
Louisiana: Local police participate in looting.

7. Texas: Law and order remains in control, 8 looters tried it, 8 looters arrested.
Louisiana: Anarchy and lawlessness breaks out, looters take over city, no arrests, criminals with guns have to be shot by federal troops.

8. Texas: Considerable damage caused by hurricane.
Louisiana: Considerable damage caused by looters.

9. Texas: Flood barriers hold preventing cities from flooding.
Louisiana: Flood barriers fail due to lack of maintenance (despite billions of federal dollars given to the state over the past 30 years to reinforce the Levees)
allowing city to flood.

10. Texas: Orderly evacuation away from threatened areas, few remain.
Louisiana: 25,000 fail to evacuate, are relocated to another flooded area.

11. Texas: Citizens evacuate with personal 3 day supply of food and water.
Louisiana: Citizens fail to evacuate with 3 day supply of food and water, do without it for the next 4 days.

12. Texas: FEMA brings in tons of food and water for evacuees. State officials provide accessible distribution points.
Louisiana: FEMA brings in tons of food and water for evacuees. State officials prevent citizens from reaching distribution points and vice versa.

13. Louisiana: Media focuses on poor blacks in need of assistance, blames Bush.
Texas: Media can't find poor blacks in need of assistance, looking for something else to blame on Bush.

14. Texas: Coastal cities suffer some infrastructure damage, Mayors tell residents to stay away until ready for re-population, no interference from federal officials.
Louisiana: New Orleans is destroyed, Mayor asks residents to return home as another hurricane approaches, has to be overruled by federal officials.

15. Louisiana: Over 400 killed by storm, flooding and crime.
Texas: 24 killed in bus accident on highway during evacuation, no storm related deaths.

16. Texas: Jailed prisoners are relocated to other detention facilities outside the storm area.
Louisiana: Jailed prisoners are set free to prey on city shops, residents, and homes.

17. Texas: Local and state officials work with FEMA and Red Cross in recovery operations.
Louisiana: Local and state officials obstruct FEMA and Red Cross from aiding in recovery operations.

18. Texas: Local and state officials demonstrate leadership in managing disaster areas.
Louisiana: Local and state officials fail to demonstrate leadership, require federal government to manage disaster areas.

19. Texas: Fuel deliveries can't keep up with demand, some run out of gas on highway, need help from fuel tankers before storm arrives.
Louisiana: Motorists wait till storm hits and electrical power fails.
Cars run out of gas at gas stations that can't pump gas. Gas in underground tanks mixes with flood waters.

20. Texas: Mayors move citizens out of danger.
Louisiana: Mayor moves himself and family to Dallas.

21. Texas: Mayors continue public service announcements and updates on television with Governor's backing and support.
Louisiana: Mayor cusses, governor cries, senator threatens president with violence on television, none of them have a clue what went wrong or who's responsible.

22. Louisiana: Democratic Senator says FEMA was slow in responding to 911 calls from Louisiana citizens.
Texas: Republican Senator says "when you call
911, the phone doesn't ring in Washington, it rings here at the local responders".

Anti V Day

http://www.meish.org/vd/

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Sermon, Thanks Sorloc

Then Jesus took his disciples up the mountain and gathered them around him.
He taught them saying:

"Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of God.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are they that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they that thirst for justice.
Blessed are you when you are persecuted.
Blessed are you when you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in heaven."

And James said "are we supposed to know this?"
And Simon Peter said "will we have a test on this?"
And Phillip said "I don’t have any paper."
And Bartholomew said "do we have to spell correctly?"
And Mark said "do we have to hand this in?"
And John said "the other disciples didn’t have to learn this."
And Matthew said "may I go to the toilet?"

Then one of the Pharisees who was present asked to see Jesus' lesson plan
and inquired of Jesus:
"Where are your learning and assessment objectives?
What range of teaching strategies did you draw from?
Did you provide a differentiated provision?
Can I see a cross section of pupils work?

And Jesus wept.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Pumpkin Advice for Halloween

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/sabotage/pumpkin_carve.asp

There is a song playing in the background, so have speakers on.

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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