Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Monday, June 27, 2005

If I ever become an Evil Overlord: by Sorloc

¤ My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

¤ My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

¤ My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

¤ Shooting is _not_ too good for my enemies.

¤ The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

¤ I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

¤ When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

¤ When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll shoot him, and then say "No".

¤ After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

¤ I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".

¤ I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

¤ I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

¤ I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

¤ I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

¤ I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.

¤ One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

¤ All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

¤ My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

¤ The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

¤ I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

¤ I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.

¤ I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

¤ When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

¤ I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

¤ I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

¤ Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

¤ I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

¤ No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

¤ I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

¤ I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

¤ No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

¤ If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.

¤ No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

¤ I will never build only one of anything important. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

¤ If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.

¤ My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

¤ Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.

¤ I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

¤ All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

¤ All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

¤ Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.

¤ I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

¤ I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main sqaure of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

¤ I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

¤ I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

¤ I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

¤ I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

¤ I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

¤ If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

¤ If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengance towards me in my old age.

¤ If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

¤ I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

¤ Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

¤ I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.

¤ When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

¤ I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

¤ I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

¤ I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismen.

¤ I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

¤ If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

¤ If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

¤ I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

¤ If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

¤ My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatable with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

¤ I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.

¤ If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

¤ I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

¤ If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well'' and kill her.

¤ I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

¤ Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Conversation Starters

(Thank you LC)
I stopped at a convenience store on my way to work one morning. As I was standing in line to pay, the guy in front of me in line, a rather rough and dirty looking dude, looks at me and blurts out "Damn, I hate going to court." Concerned for my personal safety, I didn't acknowledge his statement but thought it a rather strange thing to say to strike up a conversation. Here are some more ill-conceived converstation starters that you may encounter from total strangers which can only lead to the start of some big trouble. You should avoid replying to these if possible...

1. "You know anything about rectal itch?

2. "I spoke to Jesus last night. Jesus Christ, that is."

3. "Hustler printed my letter... wanna see?"

4. "They think they can fire ME? I'll show 'em."

5. "TB, my ass. Those doctors don't know nuthin' (cough, cough)."

6. "Hey, nice pants!"

7. "Does this look malignant to you?"

8. "Yep, I used to smoke too before my sex change."

9. "What wine goes good with human flesh?"

10. "You look like a nice guy. I'll do you half-price."

11. "How does your light shine in the halls of Shambala?"

12. "Do you believe in life after love?"

13. "Hey buddy, do you know where the nearest blood bank is?"

14. "You wanna buy a midget?"

15. "Would you like some candy?"

16. "You look a lot like my old prison buddy."

17. "Woof, woof!"

18. "Wanna see something weird?"

19. "I always fart when I cough."

20. "What time does the President's motorcade pass through here?"

21. "We meet again, eh, Herr Doktor?"

22. "I'm wearing a thong... backwards."

23. "You don't look so tough."

24. "Sure is a nice day for a hanging."

25. "Relax... it's not real."

26. "Can you give me directions to the nearest playground?"

27. Damn, you shor' gots a purty mouth."

28. "See something you like, mister?"

29. "Do you like monkeys?"

30. "I shall haveth thine soul before the morrow."

31. "Assume the position."

32. "Do you have the document?"

33. "I just let the dogs out."

34. "Pardon me, Earthling... may I obtain a saliva sample?"

35. "Watch this..."

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Finally a smart blonde joke!

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded!! Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea!"

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Mount Sinai Hospital.

A sweet grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?" The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."

The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her record says that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me anything!"

A Sign from Gahd.

Our Rabbi had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The rabbi pleaded, got warm milk, etc., but the kitty wouldn't come down.

He decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach the kitten. He did all this, kept getting out to check, then figured if he went just a little bit farther, the tree would be bend sufficiently to reach the kitten.

But as he did so, the rope broke. Of course, the tree went Boing! and the kitten sailed through the air out of sight.

The rabbi felt very sad. He walked all over the neighborhood, asking everyone if they'd seen a little kitten. "No," was the answer. So he prayed, "G-d, I just commit this kitten to Your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and he met a temple member. In her cart, he was amazed to see cat food, knowing she hated cats.

He asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the girl had begged again, and she finally told her, "Well, if G-d gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

"You can guess the rest," she told the rabbi, "I watched my little girl go out in the yard, look up to the heavens above, and ask G-d for a cat. And really, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A cat suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws spread out, and landed in front of her!"

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Receptionist


Receptionist
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser. .

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.
=============
Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

Saturday, June 04, 2005

From Lady Catreece

I have a few that are funny, but most of them were told by my grandpa and I do not remember all of the joke, and he is too old to remember them as well.

However, a couple that are cute are gaming jokes and can be found at http://www.glorantha.com/new/jokes.html



What's the difference between a Sartar wedding and a Sartar wake?
One less drinker.

By Greg Stafford

Knock knock.
Who's there?
A Sartar burglar.

By Greg Stafford


A guy walks into a bar and says,
"Hey buddy, I have a couple of really funny Sartar jokes here!"
The bar tender leans over and says,
"Listen, if I were you I'd watch your tongue. Those two big guys with horns on their helmets over there are Sartarites. I'm no midget and I'm Sartarite, and every man in here is Sartarite."
"Oh, Okay," says the guy, "I'll talk v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y."

By Greg Stafford


How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Sartarite?
The garbage's been eaten and the dog is pregnant.

By Greg Stafford


Two priests were discussing the decline of morals in the world today.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one, "Did you?"
"I don't know," he said, "What was her maiden name?"


By Greg Stafford

What do you call 10,000 Lunars at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

By Greg Stafford


"I met a new girl at a feast the other day, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?"

By Greg Stafford



The local law enforcer was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Yelm?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the tavern where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview.
Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

By Greg Stafford


A Lhankor Mhy devotee, an Orlanth Adventurous devotee and an Uroxi devotee walk into the local tavern. All three sit down and order horns of mead. As they discuss the day events the tavern keep brings each a horn overflowing with fine mead.

The Lhankor Mhy sage looks down and notes a fly swimming in his mead. "What sort of feculant establishment are you running here!", he shouts. He begins to quote the law of Heort and the punishments for transgressions of hospitality and the connection between the fly and Malia of the unholy trio. The tavern keeper quickly pours out his mead and brings him another horn with abject apologies.

The Orlanthi then looks down at his horn of mead and also notes a fly floundering about in his mead. He looks at the fly for a moment, grasps the horn and says, "Force is always an option!" and gulps down the entire horn fly and all.

Lastly the Uroxi warrior looks down and also sees a large black fly swimming in his mead. He carefully takes the horn from the bar and shakes off his leather and bronze gauntlet. With the bare hand he carefully reaches into the horn of mead and gently grasps the fly by the wings. He then lifts the fly so that it is just above the mead horn and slowly brings the horn and the fly close to his lips and with an earth shaking bellow roars, "Spit it out you bastard!!"

Sent by RafandCarla


What do you call 3 Humakti standing in the middle of the road with their swords drawn?
An ambush.

Sent by Mike Dawson

I sacked my Secretary

So I fired my secretary today...because as a man, I can get to feeling a little sorry for myself and because yesterday was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning.

I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me. As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any Happy Birthday.

I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office. I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. "Happy Birthday".

And I felt a little better that someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.

I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.

"Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go, instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?"

I said, "No, I guess not."

She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable".

"Sure!" I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.

And I just sat there ----

on the couch ----

......naked......

Friday, June 03, 2005

Store Wars

A must visit site

http://www.storewars.org/flash/index.html

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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