These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Super Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Part 3
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When I agreed to do this collab I was planning to make myself look like a super player. The only problem was that the sketch wasn't that funny. So I compromised my cool factor for some laughs. This is a comedy channel after all. My goal is to make you laugh at all costs. :)

Hope you enjoy.

1. I hope you know CPR because you took my breath away.
2. There must be something wrong with my/your eyes because I can't get them off of you.
3. Ni how~~ ma~ (Chinese for how are you)
4. I wish I was a pokemon master. That way I can peek-a-chu
5. So my friends bet me I can't talk to the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy drinks with their money.
6. I bet I can kiss you without touching you. Darn. I guess I lost that bet.
7. If I was Peter Pan, you'd be my happy thought.
8. If I was a fly I'd be all over you because you're the shit.
9. My love for you is like diareea, I just can't hold it in.
10. If you're a hamburger at Burger King, you'd be Wah~~per~
11. The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
12. Your eyes are bluer than the water in my toilet.
13. You must the the north pole because all I'm feeling is an attraction.
14. Mango does a body good. Here have a mango.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Sorry, No Answers... Just More Questions...

Why does the word "sanction" mean both to permit and to prohibit?
Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect (what do they have in common?)
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it's already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
How can you "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"?
Why did the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when we're already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it off you can't see to read.
How do you know when it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why is FOOTball played by hand?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive then why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work on snowy mornings?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year then why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughs real hard would milk come out of its nose?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to pans?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why is it they can't make an airplane out of the same material as that little black box data recorder?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in the driveway?
Why does AT&T advertise "Reach Out and Touch Someone" when that's the one thing you can't do with a phone?

Monday, January 19, 2009

A lesson in grammar...

... from an American friend.

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

'Your wife must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon '

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sponsor an Executive

October 31, 2008
The money you give won't just save a life, it'll save a lifestyle

Thursday, January 01, 2009

A Prayer for a Happy New Year.

May you be blessed with good neighbors who are there for you when you need them, and who are not around too much when you don't need them.

May the clothing styles of yesterday come back so you I can wear all that stuff that I don't have the heart to throw away. Let Nehru jackets, and bell bottom trousers, and slim ties, and Hawaiian prints become fashionable for men again, so that I can be in style again.

And may empire waistlines, and muumuus, and granny skirts come back for women. After all, why should those foreigners -- Armani, Gucci, Versace and Borsini dictate what we wear?

Instead may those great American Jewish designers... Poly and Ester, reign supreme, and may they bring back those wonderful stretch leisure suits, and sun bonnets and high button shoes, which are no longer seen anywhere, except maybe in Century Village.

May the expressions "you know", and "like", and "whatever" be retired.

And may those old fashioned expressions: "thank you", "pardon me", "after you", and "you look lovely", come back into use instead.

May we sing songs that are singable, that have lyrics that are understandable, and may we not have to wear ear plugs when our children play music in their rooms.

In this new year that now begins, may your hair, your teeth, your facelift and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your cholesterol and your mortgage interest rate not rise.

May the world enjoy a year that is free of hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, drought, and political speeches, which produce the most wind of all.

May you have a spouse, or a child or a friend, or a grandchild, who loves you, even though they really know you. And may you learn that giving love away freely without strings is the surest way of receiving it in return. And, in the darkest moments of this new year, and there will be some dark moments, be assured of that, in those dark moments of the year, may you remember that you are not alone, that God is with you, and that God loves you, that is why He made you just a little bit lower than the angels.

May you win the lottery, and thereby acquire a host of long lost relatives, and may you remember Beth Tikvah when you win.

May your insurance pay whatever your doctor charges, without insisting on any further investigation, and may the IRS accept whatever you pay, without insisting on any further investigation too.

May your children or your grandchildren receive a good report in school. and may you receive a good report too, from your dentist, from your ophthalmologist, from your dermatologist, from your cardiologist, from your gastro enterologist, from your podiatrist, from your urologist, and ultimately, from your God.

May there be peace this year between the Jews of Israel and the Arabs, and may there also be peace between the Jews of Israel, which sometimes seems much more difficult to achieve.

May your bank statement and your budget both balance, and may they both include generous amounts for charity.

May we discover evidence of civilized life on Mars this year, and, more important, may we discover evidence of civilized life, here on Earth.

May you receive a letter from a long lost friend, and a kiss from a long indifferent spouse or child; and may you see a smile on the face of your doorman, your mailman, and when you look in the mirror, every day.

May you feast your eyes often in this new year on green trees, on blue waters, and best of all, on the happy face of a grandchild, whom you have just embraced.

May we keep rage off of the freeways, and out of the workplace, and out of our homes, and direct it instead at racism, at poverty and at all the evils that we politely tolerate.

May we learn in this new year that what really counts the most is not the years but the days, not the machines we have in our lives, but the people we have in our lives, not how much we can accumulate but how much we can share, and with whom.

May you have enough to give you contentment, and may you have enough left over, so that you can be generous.

May the telemarketers not call you during dinner time, and instead, may you receive calls, from long lost friends, and from new ones too.
Beautiful Sunset

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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