Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The Rabbi's Cough Drops

It's bitterly cold outside the shul. Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that's disturbing his sermon, so after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the shammes and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem.

Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in shul for his next sermon and instructs him to give one cough drop to any shul member who begins coughing.
So next shabbes, during the rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop. Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this; the member immediately gets up and walks out of the shul.

At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks, "Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the shul?"

Hyman replies, "So vat did I say? All that I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said far cough'."

How Do These People Survive?

ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO
I was checking out at the local Woolworths with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider',
looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk...'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!


FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
Brunette, by the way!!

SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer...'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!

Prescription

A nice, calm and respectable woman went into a pharmacy, looked the chemist straight in his eyes & said, 'I would like to buy some Cyanide.'

The chemist asked, 'Why in the world do you need Cyanide?'

The woman replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The chemist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! My license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! No! You CANNOT have any Cyanide!'

The woman reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the chemist's wife.

The chemist looked at the picture and replied, 'Oh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Three Contractors

Three contractors find themselves arriving at the pearly gates at the same time.
St. Peter greets them and tells them that the pearly gates are broken and in need of repair.
He asks them each for estimates so god may choose a contractor.
The first contractor, Tyrone Johnson, examines the gates and announces an estimate of 300 dollars.
St.Peter asks for an explanation.
He is told 100 dollars for materials, 100 dollars for labor and 100 dollars for profit.
The second contractor, Hiram Berganstein, examines the gates and announces an estimate of 900 dollars.
St. Peter asks again and is told 300 dollars for materials, 300 dollars for labor and 300 dollars for profit.
The third contractor, Tony Carduchi, takes a look at the gates and announces an estimate of 2300 dollars.
St. Peter is taken back and asks Tony why such an high price.
Tony takes St. Peter aside and whispers "one thousand for me, one thousand for you, and we get Tyrone to do it for 300 dollars!".

Hubcaps

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.
He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.
After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, We might as well. I can't get this damned hubcap off."

Complaining

A Russian Jew wanted to immigrate to Israel. The local commissar calls him in for questioning and asks:

Q. Haven't we allowed you the right to worship in your Synagogue?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we let you live in peace with your fellow Jews?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we allowed you to travel freely within and beyond the village?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we allowed you to teach your children Torah?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Haven't we let you practice your profession?
A. Can't complain.

Q. Then why do you want to go to Israel

He replies, "There I can complain!"

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Wrong Hole


Wrong hole 中文繁體版,請多指教啦~

參與人員:DJ Lubel, Taryn Southern and Scott Baio

而Taryn Southern就是那位正妹

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Obama's No Bell Piece Prize

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so It couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
===
This is an old piece I thought I'd published here before .. I resourced it at http://jo-kes.blogspot.com/2007/10/no-bell-piece-prize.html

Thursday, October 08, 2009

You know you're Sephardi when:

1. You are related to everyone you know but you're not exactly sure how
2. You call your dad's good friends `uncle'
3. You try to haggle in department stores
4. At your Bar/Bat mitzvah loads of people you don't know came and lectured you on how cute you were as a baby
5. At family gatherings you hear the word "Mashallah" at least 50 times
6. You had a moustache at the age of 10
7. You speak 5 Languages, but you are fluent in none
8. In your home, you have more carpets than rooms
9. You drink arak as if it was water
10. You've never heard of tax
11. You kiss on both cheeks
12. You have more hair on your legs than on your head. (men only. I swear...)
13. You have one joker of an uncle who has literally the funniest stories to tell
14. He has either been married several times or has a model wife
15. You have a don in your family. An elder that everyone respects and no-one argues with.
16. Most family gatherings descend into fierce arguments about the Middle-East
17. Your dad is in some way, shape or form an mental/crazy/extreme
18. If you don't finish the food on your plate your mum gets offended
19. If you finish what is on your plate, you are given twice the amount you started with
20. You get stopped at security for "random checks"
21. After family gatherings your cheeks hurt from being pinched so much
22. You laugh at people who get fake tans
23. Your mum screams at you until you come down to dinner
24. You click and clap weirdly (variations include the "double handed two fingers in the air click")
25. Your family reminisces about how life was `back home' but when asked if they want to go back reply "Are you out of your mind!!??"
26. You know how to "kililililili!" (girls only I'm afraid)
27. You smoke shisha better than anyone else
28. Even sneezing makes you sweat
29. You go skitz when people call you arab. You're NOT.
30. You have strange medical theories and customs such as eating red onion when you catch a cold.
31. You love the sun, sea and sand.
32. You have a death warrant meaning that even if you wanted to you couldn't go back to your country.
33. You are the master at changing the subject when people ask you where you're from.
34. You're parties always include the standard Arabic tunes
35. You tell no-one but they're also on your ipod
36. People confuse your synagogue with a mosque
37. You eat Shawarma, Rice and Hoummus on a regular basis
38. You have strange curses and insults like: "May G-d strangle you" and "May your head be buried in the sand"
39. You know that if you are gay, you WILL be disowned
40. You wear a half buttoned white shirt with hair sticking out
41. You have to teach your parents how to read a text
42. You have more cousins than people in your school.
43. You have had a slipper thrown at you by your mum at least once in your life
44. Your dad is ALWAYS right. Or else...
45. You have a normal first name but most people can't pronounce your surname.
46. You go through more hair gel than water in one day
47. When you were a kid you spoke with a some sort of a strange accent
48. You play the bongos
49. Half of your family have the same name. They have all been named after a great grandfather.
50. You've grown every goatee possible.

Smoking Dope

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison..."

Problems

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem.
Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing." said the eighty year old.
"Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig."
The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?"
"I don't wake up till eleven." he replied.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Vacation

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are." So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

Learning a Language

Years ago, there was a famous deli in New York. The owner had a big heart and frequently hired refugees from other countries.
One day, a new patron came in and was waited on by a young man from Thailand, who conversed in perfect Yiddish. The customer was so impressed, he found the owner.
"I'm very impressed with your waiter, but where'd he learn Yiddish?" he asked the owner.
"Shhh" the owner replied. "He thinks I'm teaching him English!"

Easter Mass

Little Abe goes into Church, takes out his Tallis, takes out the yarmulke and dresses himself, and proceeds to pray.
The Priest comes in and wants to start the Services. He stands up and says "Will all non Catholics please leave."
Little Abe goes right on davening.
Next request, again "Will all non Catholics please leave." Nothing.
Finally, the Priest gets up and says "Will ALL JEWS please leave."
At this Abe gets up folds his Tallis and packs it away, takes off the Yarmulke and puts it away.
Then Abe goes to the altar and picks up a statue of the baby Jesus and says the immortal words "Cum bubbela they don't want us here anymore."

Friday, May 22, 2009

Job Interview

At a job interview Quang Hui was asked to make a sentence with the words 'blue', 'yellow', 'green', 'pink' and 'phone'. He came up with this "the blue phone goes green green I pink it up and I say Yellow" Now he works for Telstra customer service.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Jewish Salesman

In the late 1960's it was decided to get rid of the last Jewish member of the Polish politburo.
So he was sent off to sell Polish cars to the Germans.
Two weeks later, he returned with a signed contract.
Surprised but still eager to oust the Jew, they sent him off to the United States to sell Polish computers.
A month later he comes home, signed contracts overfilling his briefcase.
Stunned, but now more determined than before, the politburo sends him off to the People's Republic of China to sell Polish rice.
Months pass and the Poles are glad they haven't heard from him.
Then one day, about six months after he left, he shows up for their regularly scheduled meeting, signed contract in hand.
"But... how did you manage it?" they demand.
"It was tough" he acknowledged.
"It took me six months to find another Jew."

The DMV or RTA

After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau."
"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?"

Dear Dr. Ruth

Dear Dr Ruth,
I'm writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld
;;'
cinsely ous
mdyl

Collected wit from Dashel Jamison

"I suppose you think I don't even know the meaning of the word "rhetorical".

"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve." (George Bernard Shaw)

"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it." (Ashleigh Brilliant)

"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself." (Sir Richard F. Burton)

'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." (Abraham Lincoln)

"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." (Samuel Goldwyn)

"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." (Truman Capote)

"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'" (Isaac Asimov)

"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." (Dan Rather)

"Crime does not pay... as well as politics." (Alfred E. Newman)

"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?" (La Rochefoucauld)

"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain." (Mark Twain)

"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." (Burt Bacharach)

"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other." (Eric Hoffer)

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." (Bob Hope)

"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." (George Orwell)

"Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove." (Ashleigh Brilliant)

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." (Oscar Wilde)

"Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions." (Woody Allen)

"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin." (David Letterman)

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true." (Irving Caesar)

"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or 'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates hemlock is poison.'???????" (Socrates minutes before death)

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." (Erica Jong)

"Freedom without discipline, is anarchy. Discipline without freedom is Tyranny." (Hightower)

UN Poetry Comp winner

A delightful little piece, supposedly nominated by the UN as the winning entry in a poetry competition for African children.

I suspect it was written by an American adult with a normal level of English syntax so as to appear to have been written by an African child. The humour is too complex for a child with English as a second language and the punch line sounds like an American urban black. - from Mark Kennedy of 2GB


When I born, I black.
When I grow up, I black.
When I go in sun, I black.
When I cold, I black.
When I scared, I black.
When I sick, I black.
And when I die, I still black.
You white folks...
When you born, you pink.
When you grow up, you white.
When you go in sun, you red.
When you cold, you blue.
When you scared, you yellow.
When you sick, you green.
When you bruised, you purple.
And when you die, you gray.
So who YOU callin' C O L O R E D ??
===
Obama writes poetry - ed.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

An Irishman

An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Irishman scratches his head, then answers "A bottle of Guiness that never gets empty.
"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending Guiness bottle" he asks the Genies.
"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"

Widow Spiders

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Shoe Repair

Sy comes home after his mother's funeral to try to put the place in order. He goes up to the attic to look around and finds an old trunk.

Looking in it, he discovers his father's WWll uniform. Sy tries it on and it's a little tight on him. Before taking it off, he puts his hand in the pocket and comes up with a ticket. Looking at it, he finds a shoe repair ticket for Herman's on West 53rd, dated January 14th, 1942. He can barely believe it. An unclaimed ticket 55 years old.

Weeks later, Sy happens to be in the area of West 53rd and wanders over to see where the shoe repair was. He can't believe his good luck, a shoe repair store is still there. He wanders in and tells the story of finding the ticket to the old man.

The man says his name is Herman and has owned the shop for 60 years. "Gimme the ticket" says Herman and wanders to the back of the shop.

Sy is amazed. What good fortune! What a coincidence! Only in America!

Herman comes back. "I've got your shoes. They'll be done tomorrow!"

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Barmitzvah Invitation

In keeping up with the Rosen's and the Abelson's,

It is with great stress, emotional and physical fatigue and incredible financial sacrifice beyond comprehension, that we invite you to join us as our wonderful son,
Jacob Adam
is called to
the Torah as a Bar Mitzvah.

Saturday, May 12th - (yes we realize its Mother's Day Weekend)
Temple Israel
14 Coleytown Road
Westport, Connecticut 06880
at the ungodly hour of 9 am even though you don't really need to be there until 10:20am to catch the real action. If you make it through the 3 hour service, please skip the kiddush (its just cookies and cake) and join us instead for an overly large and ostentatious Kosher (my husband's idea) evening meal, which starts at 7 PM , (not 8 PM. or you will miss out on the 2000 canapes).
Birchwood Country Club
25 Kings Hwy S
Westport , CT 06880
(which we had to join just for this event and you would not believe the initiation fees)

You will be in the presence of lots of boisterous and expensive entertainment
and 60 to 70 unruly pre-teens wearing expensive dresses, funny hats, fake bling and brand new white ankle socks...
as well as 80-100 middle aged+ adults, some balding, some with bad toupees, most will be professionally coiffed, designer attire galore, lots of REAL bling, and most "tootsed" to the nines. At least 1/3 will be hormonally challenged and some will act stupid while under the influence. Some will not even know where or who they are. Some will complain about the food. Blah Blah Blah.
Please have the courtesy of showing up if you RSVP that you are attending, or you will be billed for $210.00 a plate if you are a no-show. Please RSVP as soon as you get this and not a day before the cut-off date. I can't take the stress.
The gift of choice is either green, or contains a routing and account number. "Off the top of your head" gifts and Gift Cards are a waste of your time and ours.
Hope you can make it! Lisa and David Miller
Dress: Black Tie optional
Theme: 007 James Bond
BYO Kippot. I don't have the strength.

English As She Is Spelled

I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.

When eye strike a quay, right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Sauce unknown

Presents

The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.
The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."
The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: "If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

Monday, April 06, 2009

Swindled

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

Prayers

My 10 yr old niece says her prayers every night and instead of "amen", she says "click, send."

Monday, March 30, 2009

Circumcision.

A Catholic priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They'd all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they were all together again discussing their experiences.. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Now that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God! he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts. In his best fire-and-brimstone style he told his story.
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from GOD'S HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with ME. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, Father, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in very bad shape. The rabbi looked up at them and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Ten Commandments.

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Grandchild Wanted.

A wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.
"Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh. "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace." He then proceeded to bow his head down to pray.
When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.

Monday, March 23, 2009

My Apartment.

Customer: "Do you have any cockroaches?"
Clerk: "Yes, we sell them to the fisherman."
Customer: "I would like 20,000 of them."
Clerk: "What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?"
Customer: "I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it."

Golf.

A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus. He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"

The Maid in a Jewish Home.

A gentile woman came to work as cook-housemaid in a Jewish home. When she came home for leave, her relatives asked her what kind of people the Jews were.

"The Jews are rather nice. They are always most polite to me, give me presents, pay for medical help for me. Really, no complaints whatsoever. Only they have strange holidays. They have a holiday named Shabbat, when they eat in the dining room and smoke in the toilet. Then they have a holiday called Tisha B'Av which is a reminder of their great Temple which was destroyed in Biblical times. They smoke in the dining room but eat in the toilet, and they have a holiday named Yom Kippur, when they both eat and smoke in the toilet."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Star Wars for the Lyrically Challenged


Star wars theme with lyrics written specially for the music.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

An ID ten T error

ID Ten T Error - by Doofus and Wendy Vuong

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11-year-old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, “So, what was wrong?”

He replied, “It was an ID ten T error.”

I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”

Richard grinned. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”

“No,” I replied.

“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little bugger.
Beautiful Sunset

LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING

Things to make you go hmmm …. (laugh then think!)

These laws aren’t hilarious, they will raise a smile or a small chuckle but after that they will definitely make you think.
from Wendy Vuong

1. Any given program, once deployed, is already obsolete.

2. It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

5. Only ten percent of the code in any given program will ever execute.

6. Software expands to consume all available resources.

7. Any non-trivial program contains at least one error.

8 The probability of a flawless demo is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved.

9. Not until a program has been in production for at least six months will its most harmful error be discovered.

10. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

11. The effort required to correct an error increases exponentially with time.

12. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

13. Any code of your own that you haven’t looked at in months might as well have been written by someone else.

14. Inside every small program is a large program struggling to get out.

15 The sooner you start coding a program, the longer it will take.

16 A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long.

17. Adding programmers to a late project makes it later.

18. A program is never less than 90% complete, and never more than 95% complete.

19. If you automate a mess, you get an automated mess.

20. Build a program that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

21 Users truly don’t know what they want in a program until they use it.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Cat Steals Cat Food


Very smart cat ..

Monday, February 16, 2009

Three Couples

Three couples were on their way to a party in a minivan one winter evening, and as they were rounding the turn the driver lost control of the vehicle, which ran off the road and down a hillside, bursting into flame and killing everyone inside.
Very shortly thereafter, the three couples appeared before St. Peter.
Peter pointed an accusing finger at one of the men and said, "YOU? All YOU ever thought about in life was drinking! You drank every morning, every evening, on the weekends, at lunch...you even married a girl named Sherry!"
He pointed at the second man and said, "And YOU! You thought of nothing but money! Everything in your life had to do with greed, money, making money, keeping money, making more money...you even married a girl named Penny!"
The third man took his wife's hand and began walking away. "Come on, Fanny, I don't want to wait around to hear what he has to say to us."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Hawaii.

Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument, "It's pronounced 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said.
"I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.
And so it went, all the way to the vacation...
As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. Morris abruptly stopped his wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"
As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're Velcome!" he called back.

Skiing.

This is sent to remind skiers how to prepare for the ski season and to remind non-skiers why they do not ski.
-------------------------------------------------
10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride amotorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!
2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.

Woman.

An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is a savage" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is a savage."

The Paradox of our time, from Mark Kennedy

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings,

But shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.

We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment,

More experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.



We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little,

Drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired,

Read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.



We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.

We've added years to life not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back,

But have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbour.

We conquered outer space but not inner space.

We've done larger things, but not better things.



We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.

We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever,

But we communicate less and less.



These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,

Big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.

These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands,

Overweight bodies and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

A time when technology can bring this letter to you,

And a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...



Remember, spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.


Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Saturday, February 07, 2009

Cecilia 4 Obama


Renamed Obama because of my disappointment at his early activity.
Action beyond the flowery contrivances of his rhetoric.
Withdrawing nominations. noted by several commentators.
Some give credit that is due. But mostly we see someone who doesn't care.
===
"Cecilia" is a song written by Paul Simon and recorded by Simon and Garfunkel for their 1970 album Bridge Over Troubled Water. When released as a single, it reached #4 in the US charts. The single did not chart in the UK, despite being released as the follow-up to Simon and Garfunkel's number one hit "Bridge Over Troubled Water".
The "Cecilia" of the title is generally interpreted as being a capricious lover, causing both anguish and jubilation to the singer. However, another interpretation is that Cecilia might refer to St. Cecilia, patron saint of music in the Catholic tradition, and thus the song might refer to the frustration of fleeting inspiration in songwriting. St. Cecilia is mentioned in another Paul Simon song, "The Coast" (from his 1990 album The Rhythm of the Saints): "A family of musicians took shelter for the night in the little harbor church of St. Cecilia."

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

a little quip from Jodi MCabe

There is an atheist walking thru the forest when a bear runs at him...Oh God help!!! he says
God replies... so after all these years you will change your way and become a christian?
No no but if you could make the bear one....
So god grants his request...
The bear pulls up next to the atheist and starts to pray...Dear lord thankyou for this meal I'm about to receive....

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Super Cheesy Pick-Up Lines Part 3


http://www.youtube.com/askapet
Subscribe to her channel!!! She is awesome!!!

When I agreed to do this collab I was planning to make myself look like a super player. The only problem was that the sketch wasn't that funny. So I compromised my cool factor for some laughs. This is a comedy channel after all. My goal is to make you laugh at all costs. :)

Hope you enjoy.

1. I hope you know CPR because you took my breath away.
2. There must be something wrong with my/your eyes because I can't get them off of you.
3. Ni how~~ ma~ (Chinese for how are you)
4. I wish I was a pokemon master. That way I can peek-a-chu
5. So my friends bet me I can't talk to the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy drinks with their money.
6. I bet I can kiss you without touching you. Darn. I guess I lost that bet.
7. If I was Peter Pan, you'd be my happy thought.
8. If I was a fly I'd be all over you because you're the shit.
9. My love for you is like diareea, I just can't hold it in.
10. If you're a hamburger at Burger King, you'd be Wah~~per~
11. The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
12. Your eyes are bluer than the water in my toilet.
13. You must the the north pole because all I'm feeling is an attraction.
14. Mango does a body good. Here have a mango.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Sorry, No Answers... Just More Questions...

Why does the word "sanction" mean both to permit and to prohibit?
Why does the word cataract mean both a waterfall and an eye defect (what do they have in common?)
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
How do a fool and his money get together?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it's already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
How can you "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"?
Why did the kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when we're already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'?
Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?
Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it off you can't see to read.
How do you know when it's an ENDLESS LOOP?
Why is FOOTball played by hand?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations where smoking is not permitted?
Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive then why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work on snowy mornings?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year then why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughs real hard would milk come out of its nose?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make it stick to pans?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why is it they can't make an airplane out of the same material as that little black box data recorder?
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in the driveway?
Why does AT&T advertise "Reach Out and Touch Someone" when that's the one thing you can't do with a phone?

Monday, January 19, 2009

A lesson in grammar...

... from an American friend.

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, 'This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

'Your wife must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. 'But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon '

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!' Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, 'What was the 1-2-3 for?'

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Sponsor an Executive


thishourhas22minutes
October 31, 2008
The money you give won't just save a life, it'll save a lifestyle

Thursday, January 01, 2009

A Prayer for a Happy New Year.

May you be blessed with good neighbors who are there for you when you need them, and who are not around too much when you don't need them.

May the clothing styles of yesterday come back so you I can wear all that stuff that I don't have the heart to throw away. Let Nehru jackets, and bell bottom trousers, and slim ties, and Hawaiian prints become fashionable for men again, so that I can be in style again.

And may empire waistlines, and muumuus, and granny skirts come back for women. After all, why should those foreigners -- Armani, Gucci, Versace and Borsini dictate what we wear?

Instead may those great American Jewish designers... Poly and Ester, reign supreme, and may they bring back those wonderful stretch leisure suits, and sun bonnets and high button shoes, which are no longer seen anywhere, except maybe in Century Village.

May the expressions "you know", and "like", and "whatever" be retired.

And may those old fashioned expressions: "thank you", "pardon me", "after you", and "you look lovely", come back into use instead.

May we sing songs that are singable, that have lyrics that are understandable, and may we not have to wear ear plugs when our children play music in their rooms.

In this new year that now begins, may your hair, your teeth, your facelift and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your cholesterol and your mortgage interest rate not rise.

May the world enjoy a year that is free of hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, drought, and political speeches, which produce the most wind of all.

May you have a spouse, or a child or a friend, or a grandchild, who loves you, even though they really know you. And may you learn that giving love away freely without strings is the surest way of receiving it in return. And, in the darkest moments of this new year, and there will be some dark moments, be assured of that, in those dark moments of the year, may you remember that you are not alone, that God is with you, and that God loves you, that is why He made you just a little bit lower than the angels.

May you win the lottery, and thereby acquire a host of long lost relatives, and may you remember Beth Tikvah when you win.

May your insurance pay whatever your doctor charges, without insisting on any further investigation, and may the IRS accept whatever you pay, without insisting on any further investigation too.

May your children or your grandchildren receive a good report in school. and may you receive a good report too, from your dentist, from your ophthalmologist, from your dermatologist, from your cardiologist, from your gastro enterologist, from your podiatrist, from your urologist, and ultimately, from your God.

May there be peace this year between the Jews of Israel and the Arabs, and may there also be peace between the Jews of Israel, which sometimes seems much more difficult to achieve.

May your bank statement and your budget both balance, and may they both include generous amounts for charity.

May we discover evidence of civilized life on Mars this year, and, more important, may we discover evidence of civilized life, here on Earth.

May you receive a letter from a long lost friend, and a kiss from a long indifferent spouse or child; and may you see a smile on the face of your doorman, your mailman, and when you look in the mirror, every day.

May you feast your eyes often in this new year on green trees, on blue waters, and best of all, on the happy face of a grandchild, whom you have just embraced.

May we keep rage off of the freeways, and out of the workplace, and out of our homes, and direct it instead at racism, at poverty and at all the evils that we politely tolerate.

May we learn in this new year that what really counts the most is not the years but the days, not the machines we have in our lives, but the people we have in our lives, not how much we can accumulate but how much we can share, and with whom.

May you have enough to give you contentment, and may you have enough left over, so that you can be generous.

May the telemarketers not call you during dinner time, and instead, may you receive calls, from long lost friends, and from new ones too.
Beautiful Sunset

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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