Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Blown Away


Genius Math
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Getting big

Cancelling Genius


Math Genius
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Not an example, but a lesson.

Find 'x'


Genius at work
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Here 'tis

Mathematical Observation


Mathematical Observation
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
From SB of Cronulla

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Communist Family Discussions

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

Friday, June 16, 2006

Good Place To Eat.

Two businessmen were talking about good places to have lunch.
One said, "Maxie's is a wonderful place for lunch. You go in for lunch and everyone says 'hello', immediately a delicious sandwich and a cold beer are set up on the bar for you. That's followed by several more cold beers and it's all 'on the house'.
They have music and you get to dance a bit and then you go into a back room and have wonderful sex. When it's time for you to leave, the bartender gives you a twenty dollar bill and invites you to come back anytime." The other man says, "You've got to be kidding. I find that really hard to believe. Do you go there often?" "No," his friend replies, "actually I've never been there but my sister goes every noon."

Today's Stock Market Report.

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
3 new bonds are being issued:
* Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
* Gore bond: Has no interest
* Clinton bond: Has no principle.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

inspiration


inspiration
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninenty nine percent perspiration, which is why engineers sometimes smell really bad

effort


effort
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Hard work never killed anyone, but it is illegal in some places.

pressure


pressure
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
It can turn a lump of coal into a flawless diamond or an average person into a basketcase

compromise


compromise364
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Let's agree to respect each other's views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

beauty


beauty
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
If you are attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.

do it later


do it later
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
The early worm is for the birds

Sunday, February 26, 2006

quality


quality
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
The race for quality has no finish line, so technically it's more like a death march.

wishes


wishes
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it is really a meteorite hurtling towards the earth which will destroy all life. Then your pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless its death by meteor.

Friday, February 24, 2006

conformity


conformity
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

worth


worth
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Just because you are necessary doesn't mean you are important.

Figure Skating


Figure Skating
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Winter Constitutional


Winter Constitutional
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Summer Chores


Summer Chores
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Troubling Faults


Troubling Faults
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Working over Mines


Working over Mines
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Hard Labour


Hard Labour
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Gender Bias


Gender Bias
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Climb Every Mountain


Climb Every Mountain
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Pretension


Pretension
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

The downside of being better than everyone else is that others tend to assume you are pretentious
http://www.despair.com

Sacrifice


Sacrifice
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Your role may be thankless, but if you give it your all, you might just bring success to those who outlast you.
http://www.despair.com

Persistence


Persistence
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

It's over man, let her go.
http://www.despair.com

Dare to Slack


Dare to Slack
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

When birds fly in correct formation, they only need expend half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness
http://www.despair.com

Loneliness


Loneliness
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you are not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
http://www.despair.com

Elitism


Elitism
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

It's lonely at the top. But its comforting to look down at people on the bottom.
http://www.despair.com

Indifference


Indifference
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

It takes 43 muscles to frown, and 17 to smile. But it takes no effort at all to sit with a dumb look on your face.
http://www.despair.com

Bitterness


Bitterness
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Never be afraid to share your dreams with the world. Because there is nothing the world loves more than really sweet dreams
http://www.despair.com

Dysfunction


Dysfunction
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
http://www.despair.com

Arrogance


Arrogance
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
http://www.despair.com

Mistakes


Mistakes
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
http://www.despair.com

Humiliation


Humiliation
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
http://www.despair.com

Stupidity


Stupidity
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
http://www.despair.com

Power


Power
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
http://www.despair.com

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

The Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Horniest Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster—one that would service all of his many hens. When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house, though, he gave Henry a little pep talk: “Henry,” he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry strutted into the henhouse.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, until Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there.

Henry went into the barn and mounted all of the horses, one by one, and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief cried out, “Stop, Henry!! You’ll kill yourself!!”

But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry. The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you little buddy.”

“Shhhhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard’s getting closer.”

Monday, January 09, 2006

Questions to ponder

1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going
as ghosts but as mattresses?

3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

4. Is there another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"

6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane
crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?

11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?

13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Three Filters of Socrates

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Warnings issued by the U.S. military

Warnings issued by the U.S. military to their own troops:

"Aim towards the enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher.

"When the pin is pulled, Mr Grenade is not our friend."
US Marine Corps.

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
USAF Ammo Troop.

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
Infantry Journal.

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what is left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
U.S. Air Force Manual.

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
Infantry Journal.

"Tracers work both ways."
US Army Ordnance.

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
Infantry Journal.

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
Anon.

"Do not draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
Your comrades.

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
USAF Ammo Troop.

Universal truths Thanks Avidos

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Work together


Work together
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
As a unit

Give your all


Give your all
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
and enjoy the fruit

Fact or fiction


Fact or fiction
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Believe the truth

Glass Half Full


Glass Half Full
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Always try to see ..

Expect Unexpected


Expect Unexpected
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
expect ..

Even when it appears hopeless


Appears hopeless
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
hold on

Accept embrace


Accept embrace
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
There is always someone who loves you more than you know

Good Friends


Good Friends
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Holds onto good friends

Indulge


Indulge
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
and enjoy

It gets better


It gets better
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
life is promise

Look up


Look up
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Don't be afraid

Laugh Often


Laugh Often
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
and loud

Love one another


Love one another
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
As god loves you

Roads to a place


Roads to a place
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
All roads go somewhere ..

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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