Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Mother Obsessed.

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping disorder.

"I am so obsessed with my mother... As soon as I go to sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."

The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy like you?"

The Price of Eggs.

A man eats two eggs each morning for breakfast. When he goes to the grocery store he pays 60 cents a dozen. Since a dozen eggs won't last a week he normally buys two dozens at a time.

One day while buying eggs he notices that the price has risen to 72 cents. The next time he buys groceries, eggs are 76 cents a dozen.

When asked to explain the price of eggs the store owner says, "The price has gone up and I have to raise my price accordingly".

This store buys 100 dozen eggs a day. I checked around for a better price and all the distributors have raised their prices.

The distributors have begun to buy from the huge egg farms. The small egg farms have been driven out of business.

The huge egg farms sell 100,000 dozen eggs a day to distributors. With no competition, they can set the price as they see fit.

The distributors then have to raise their prices to the grocery stores. And on and on and on.

As the man kept buying eggs the price kept going up, he saw the big egg trucks delivering 100 dozen eggs each day. Nothing changed there.

He checked out the huge egg farms and found they were selling 100,000 dozen eggs to the distributors daily.

Nothing had changed but the price of eggs.

Then a week before Thanksgiving, the price of eggs shot up to $1.00 a dozen. Again he asked the grocery owner why and was told, "cakes and baking for the holiday" The huge egg farmers know there will be a lot of baking going on and more eggs will be used. Hence, the price of eggs goes up

Expect the same thing at Christmas and other times when family cooking and baking happen.

This pattern continues until the price of eggs is 2.00 a dozen. The man says, "There must be something we can do about the price of eggs".

He starts talking to all the people in his town and they decide to stop buying eggs. This didn't work because everyone needed eggs.

Finally, the man suggested only buying what you need. He ate 2 eggs a day. On the way home from work he would stop at the grocery and buy two eggs. Everyone in town started buying 2 or 3 eggs a day.

The grocery store owner began complaining that he had too many eggs in his cooler. He told the distributor that he didn't need any eggs. Maybe wouldn't need any all week.

The distributor had eggs piling up at his warehouse. He told the huge egg farms that he didn't have any room for eggs would not need any for at least two weeks.

At the egg farm, the chickens just kept on laying eggs.

To relieve the pressure, the huge egg farm told the distributor that they could buy the eggs at a lower price. The distributor said, "Don't have the room for the eggs even if they were free".

The distributor told the grocery store owner that he would lower the price of the eggs if the store would start buying again.

The grocery store owner said, "I don't have room for more eggs. The customers are only buying 2 or 3 eggs at a time".

"Now if you were to drop the price of eggs back down to the original price, the customers would start buying by the dozen again".

The distributors sent that proposal to the huge egg farmers. They liked the price they were getting for their eggs but, those chickens just kept on laying

Finally, the egg farmers lowered the price of their eggs but only a few cents.

The customers still bought 2 or 3 eggs at a time. They said, "When the price of eggs gets down to where it was before we will start buying by the dozen."

Slowly the price of eggs started dropping. The distributors had to slash their prices to make room for the eggs coming from the egg farmers.

The egg farmers cut their prices because the distributors wouldn't buy at a higher price than they were selling eggs for. Anyway, they had full warehouses and wouldn't need eggs for quite a while.

And those chickens kept on laying.

Eventually, the egg farmers cut their prices because they were throwing away eggs they couldn't sell.

The distributors started buying again because the eggs were priced to where the stores could afford to sell them at the lower price.

And the customers starting buying by the dozen again.

Now, transpose this analogy to the gasoline industry. What if everyone only bought $10.00 worth of gas each time they pulled to the pump? The dealers tanks would stay semi full all the time. The dealers wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the huge tank farms. The tank farms wouldn't have room for the gas coming from the refining plants. And the refining plants wouldn't have room for the oil being off loaded from the huge tankers coming from the Middle East.

Just $10.00 each time you buy gas. Don't fill it up. You may have to stop for gas twice a week but, the price should come down.

Think about it.

As an added note: When I buy $10.00 worth of gas, that leaves my tank a little under half full. The way prices are jumping around, you can buy gas for $2.65 a gallon and then the next morning it can be $2.15. If you have your tank full of $2.65 gas, you don't have room for the $2.15 gas.

You might not understand the economics of only buying two eggs at a time but you can't buy cheaper gas if your tank is full of the high priced stuff.

Forgiveness.

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady .
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I outlived the bitches."

Subject: Dating Different Cultures

WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant .
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she w ants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get terrific kiss.
Second Date: You get even more great kiss.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get kiss again.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant .
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters,
her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother,
her two cousins her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and
you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that
used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB/MUSLIM WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: Guy is shot dead.
No third date.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into comfortable clothing, sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins, take out the literature and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Dante's Inferno

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
LevelScore
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)Extreme
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)Low
Level 2 (Lustful)Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Friday, November 11, 2005

Explanation of Life.

On the first day, G-d created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

On the second day, G-d created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And G-d agreed.

On the third day, G-d created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And G-d agreed again.

On the fourth day, G-d created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," G-d said. "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Happy Halloween


PukingPumpkin.0
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Don't drink too much

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Another Anti Bush Joke


Another Anti Bush Joke
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.
Remember Katrina. Don't vote Democrat.

Melbourne Cup

My hot tip for any horse race is based on an observation:
The fastest horse
The best stayer
The horse most likely to place first

Has four legs.

Anyone following my hot tip would have won yesterday's Melbourne cup. Because? You guessed it! Makybe Diva has four legs.

It is just as my cadet instructor said, and I never forgot the poem. Whenever I need to make a decision, I think back to his poem. He said "Four legs is all right"

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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