Subject: Dating Different Cultures

WHITE WOMEN:
First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:
First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:
First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant .
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she w ants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:
First Date: You get terrific kiss.
Second Date: You get even more great kiss.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get kiss again.

CHINESE WOMEN:
First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:
First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:
First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:
First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant .
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters,
her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother,
her two cousins her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and
you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that
used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB/MUSLIM WOMEN:
First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: Guy is shot dead.
No third date.

When you have an "I Hate My Job" day, try this.

On your way home from work, stop at the pharmacy, go to the thermometer section and purchase a Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into comfortable clothing, sit in your favorite chair, open the package and remove the thermometer.

Carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins, take out the literature and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested"

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work for quality control at Johnson and Johnson."

HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS WORSE THAN YOURS!!

Dante's Inferno

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Extreme
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

Explanation of Life.

On the first day, G-d created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

On the second day, G-d created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And G-d agreed.

On the third day, G-d created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?" And G-d agreed again.

On the fourth day, G-d created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," G-d said. "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Happy Halloween

PukingPumpkin.0
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Don't drink too much

Another Anti Bush Joke

Another Anti Bush Joke
Originally uploaded by ddbsweasel.

Remember Katrina. Don't vote Democrat.

Melbourne Cup

My hot tip for any horse race is based on an observation:
The fastest horse
The best stayer
The horse most likely to place first

Has four legs.

Anyone following my hot tip would have won yesterday's Melbourne cup. Because? You guessed it! Makybe Diva has four legs.

It is just as my cadet instructor said, and I never forgot the poem. Whenever I need to make a decision, I think back to his poem. He said "Four legs is all right"