Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

From Harry

London or the Moon.
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One blonde asks the other, "Which is further, London or the Moon?"

The other replies: "Well HELLOOOOO.............., can you see London?????!!!!!!!!!"

New Words for the Workplace.
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BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to See what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMS: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed outand whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube Farm and then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust.

Abdul & Mohammed.
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Abdul and Mohammed were discussing their children in a cafe in downtown Baghdad.

Abdul pulls out his wallet and shows Mohammed pictures of his children.

"This is my oldest son, he is a martyr."

"And this is my second son, he is also a martyr."

"Ah, sighed Abdul, "They blow up so fast."

One Sheitel, One Sheitel.
========================
One sheitel, one sheitel that husband bought for an arm and a leg.
One sheitel, one sheitel.

And came The Sheitelmacher, who put it in her little shop, that husband bought with his life savings.
One sheitel, one sheitel.

And came the European Manufacturer, who sold it to the sheitelmacher, that husband mortgaged his house to buy.
One sheitel, one sheitel.

And came the Hindu church, who auctioned it to the European manufacturer, who sold it to the sheitelmacher, that husband paid half a year's salary for.
One sheitel, one sheitel.

And came the Hindu priest, who cut off the hair, that the church auctioned off, that the European manufacturer put in the highest bid for, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband went into credit card debt to purchase.
One sheitel, one sheitel.

And came the Hindu pilgrim, who bowed before the priest in an offering to Vishnu, and he shaved off the hair, which the church auctioned, that the European manufacturer got for a steal, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband created a tzedaka fund for.
One sheitel, one sheitel.

And came Rav Eliyashiv, Shlita, who paskended the hair was assur, that the pilgrim offered to the polytheistic gods, that the barber shaved, that the church auctioned, that the European manufacturer got his hands on for bupkis, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband sold his daughter into slavery so that he purchase it.
One sheitel, one sheitel.

And came the Holy One, Blessed Be He, Who said, "I am the L-rd thy G-d, thou shalt not have any other gods before Me", which Rav Eliyashiv took very seriously, so he paskened the hair was assur that the pilgrim offered to the other gods, that the barber shaved off, that the church put up on eBay, that the European manufacturer couldn't believe the deal he got, who sold it to the Sheitelmacher, that husband got his knee-caps broke because he couldn't pay off the interest from the loan he got from Goombah Vinny.
One sheitel, one sheitel.

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Out of Office Auto Replies.
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I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you

You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

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The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.

Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.

You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.

I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.

Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Mary' instead of 'Jon'.

Good News, Bad News.
===================
Larry tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.

After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."

Larry replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"

Rabbi Green.
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I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the chapel, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral. "It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it weren't always under such tragic circumstances."

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.

"Imagine," she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your first wedding!"


The Delivery.
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The nurse went out into the hallway and spoke to the man in the sterile gown and mask pacing up and down saying, "The delivery is going so well, wouldn't you like to come in now?"

"No! I can't stand all that blood and screaming. Leave me alone."

A few minutes later, she went out again and said, "It is almost over. Wouldn't you like to come in now?"

"No! Leave me alone! I told you I can't stand all that blood and screaming!"

"But, you must," the nurse replied. "The delivery is almost finished, you are the doctor!"


Polish Divorce.
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A Polish man married an American girl after he had been in the United States a year or so; and, although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."

The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "Yah, Yah, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "we have a two-car carport, and have never really needed one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 5.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "NO, I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "NO, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, 'Polish Remover'."



The Chazzan.
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The chazzan came home Kol Nidrei night, and his wife asked him why he seemed to be a bit downcast. "Schwartz, the gabbai, told me I wasn't very good tonight" he replied.

"Schwartz?" said his wife "Forget about him. He doesn't know anything. He just repeats what everyone else says."

New Mercedes.
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Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favorite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, "Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!"

"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"

"No," she said, "I did better than that! I got the license plate number!"

Marriage Therapy.
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When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the discussion.

"What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."



The Caruso Canary.
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In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop Sarah Goldman, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had."

"Don't think I'm going feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."

By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.

Awed Mrs. Goldman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer." Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."

The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want, a singer? or a dancer?"

True or False.
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Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? (answers follow)

1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button.
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6 Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in "An Officer and a Gentleman" and "Tootsie."
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

Are you ready for the answers?

They are all true. Now go back and think.

The Dead Birdie.
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A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww,
look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"

Re-evaluation of Our Involvement.
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We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there? Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there? Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there? Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there? The place is subject to natural disasters, of which we are supposed to bail them out. Why are we still there? There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there? Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary peoples. Why are we still there? We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there? They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there? It is becoming clear...

WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!

PULKES (PUHL-kees) THIGHS.
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Note: this word has been traced back to the language of one of the original Tribes of Israel, the Cellulites.

Fun Math.
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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

About Me

My photo

I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does