Saturday, October 17, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Obama's No Bell Piece Prize
John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called “pullets”, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so It couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
===
This is an old piece I thought I'd published here before .. I resourced it at http://jo-kes.blogspot.com/2007/10/no-bell-piece-prize.html
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so It couldn’t ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a Politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention?
===
This is an old piece I thought I'd published here before .. I resourced it at http://jo-kes.blogspot.com/2007/10/no-bell-piece-prize.html
Thursday, October 08, 2009
You know you're Sephardi when:
1. You are related to everyone you know but you're not exactly sure how
2. You call your dad's good friends `uncle'
3. You try to haggle in department stores
4. At your Bar/Bat mitzvah loads of people you don't know came and lectured you on how cute you were as a baby
5. At family gatherings you hear the word "Mashallah" at least 50 times
6. You had a moustache at the age of 10
7. You speak 5 Languages, but you are fluent in none
8. In your home, you have more carpets than rooms
9. You drink arak as if it was water
10. You've never heard of tax
11. You kiss on both cheeks
12. You have more hair on your legs than on your head. (men only. I swear...)
13. You have one joker of an uncle who has literally the funniest stories to tell
14. He has either been married several times or has a model wife
15. You have a don in your family. An elder that everyone respects and no-one argues with.
16. Most family gatherings descend into fierce arguments about the Middle-East
17. Your dad is in some way, shape or form an mental/crazy/extreme
18. If you don't finish the food on your plate your mum gets offended
19. If you finish what is on your plate, you are given twice the amount you started with
20. You get stopped at security for "random checks"
21. After family gatherings your cheeks hurt from being pinched so much
22. You laugh at people who get fake tans
23. Your mum screams at you until you come down to dinner
24. You click and clap weirdly (variations include the "double handed two fingers in the air click")
25. Your family reminisces about how life was `back home' but when asked if they want to go back reply "Are you out of your mind!!??"
26. You know how to "kililililili!" (girls only I'm afraid)
27. You smoke shisha better than anyone else
28. Even sneezing makes you sweat
29. You go skitz when people call you arab. You're NOT.
30. You have strange medical theories and customs such as eating red onion when you catch a cold.
31. You love the sun, sea and sand.
32. You have a death warrant meaning that even if you wanted to you couldn't go back to your country.
33. You are the master at changing the subject when people ask you where you're from.
34. You're parties always include the standard Arabic tunes
35. You tell no-one but they're also on your ipod
36. People confuse your synagogue with a mosque
37. You eat Shawarma, Rice and Hoummus on a regular basis
38. You have strange curses and insults like: "May G-d strangle you" and "May your head be buried in the sand"
39. You know that if you are gay, you WILL be disowned
40. You wear a half buttoned white shirt with hair sticking out
41. You have to teach your parents how to read a text
42. You have more cousins than people in your school.
43. You have had a slipper thrown at you by your mum at least once in your life
44. Your dad is ALWAYS right. Or else...
45. You have a normal first name but most people can't pronounce your surname.
46. You go through more hair gel than water in one day
47. When you were a kid you spoke with a some sort of a strange accent
48. You play the bongos
49. Half of your family have the same name. They have all been named after a great grandfather.
50. You've grown every goatee possible.
2. You call your dad's good friends `uncle'
3. You try to haggle in department stores
4. At your Bar/Bat mitzvah loads of people you don't know came and lectured you on how cute you were as a baby
5. At family gatherings you hear the word "Mashallah" at least 50 times
6. You had a moustache at the age of 10
7. You speak 5 Languages, but you are fluent in none
8. In your home, you have more carpets than rooms
9. You drink arak as if it was water
10. You've never heard of tax
11. You kiss on both cheeks
12. You have more hair on your legs than on your head. (men only. I swear...)
13. You have one joker of an uncle who has literally the funniest stories to tell
14. He has either been married several times or has a model wife
15. You have a don in your family. An elder that everyone respects and no-one argues with.
16. Most family gatherings descend into fierce arguments about the Middle-East
17. Your dad is in some way, shape or form an mental/crazy/extreme
18. If you don't finish the food on your plate your mum gets offended
19. If you finish what is on your plate, you are given twice the amount you started with
20. You get stopped at security for "random checks"
21. After family gatherings your cheeks hurt from being pinched so much
22. You laugh at people who get fake tans
23. Your mum screams at you until you come down to dinner
24. You click and clap weirdly (variations include the "double handed two fingers in the air click")
25. Your family reminisces about how life was `back home' but when asked if they want to go back reply "Are you out of your mind!!??"
26. You know how to "kililililili!" (girls only I'm afraid)
27. You smoke shisha better than anyone else
28. Even sneezing makes you sweat
29. You go skitz when people call you arab. You're NOT.
30. You have strange medical theories and customs such as eating red onion when you catch a cold.
31. You love the sun, sea and sand.
32. You have a death warrant meaning that even if you wanted to you couldn't go back to your country.
33. You are the master at changing the subject when people ask you where you're from.
34. You're parties always include the standard Arabic tunes
35. You tell no-one but they're also on your ipod
36. People confuse your synagogue with a mosque
37. You eat Shawarma, Rice and Hoummus on a regular basis
38. You have strange curses and insults like: "May G-d strangle you" and "May your head be buried in the sand"
39. You know that if you are gay, you WILL be disowned
40. You wear a half buttoned white shirt with hair sticking out
41. You have to teach your parents how to read a text
42. You have more cousins than people in your school.
43. You have had a slipper thrown at you by your mum at least once in your life
44. Your dad is ALWAYS right. Or else...
45. You have a normal first name but most people can't pronounce your surname.
46. You go through more hair gel than water in one day
47. When you were a kid you spoke with a some sort of a strange accent
48. You play the bongos
49. Half of your family have the same name. They have all been named after a great grandfather.
50. You've grown every goatee possible.
Smoking Dope
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison..."
The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.
"And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy) "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your asshole before prison..."
Problems
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem.
Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing." said the eighty year old.
"Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig."
The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?"
"I don't wake up till eleven." he replied.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem.
Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing." said the eighty year old.
"Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible."
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig."
The eighty-year-old looked at the seventy-year-old, then looked back at the ninety-year-old incredulously and asked, "So what's your problem?"
"I don't wake up till eleven." he replied.
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