Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

You know you're Sephardi when:

1. You are related to everyone you know but you're not exactly sure how
2. You call your dad's good friends `uncle'
3. You try to haggle in department stores
4. At your Bar/Bat mitzvah loads of people you don't know came and lectured you on how cute you were as a baby
5. At family gatherings you hear the word "Mashallah" at least 50 times
6. You had a moustache at the age of 10
7. You speak 5 Languages, but you are fluent in none
8. In your home, you have more carpets than rooms
9. You drink arak as if it was water
10. You've never heard of tax
11. You kiss on both cheeks
12. You have more hair on your legs than on your head. (men only. I swear...)
13. You have one joker of an uncle who has literally the funniest stories to tell
14. He has either been married several times or has a model wife
15. You have a don in your family. An elder that everyone respects and no-one argues with.
16. Most family gatherings descend into fierce arguments about the Middle-East
17. Your dad is in some way, shape or form an mental/crazy/extreme
18. If you don't finish the food on your plate your mum gets offended
19. If you finish what is on your plate, you are given twice the amount you started with
20. You get stopped at security for "random checks"
21. After family gatherings your cheeks hurt from being pinched so much
22. You laugh at people who get fake tans
23. Your mum screams at you until you come down to dinner
24. You click and clap weirdly (variations include the "double handed two fingers in the air click")
25. Your family reminisces about how life was `back home' but when asked if they want to go back reply "Are you out of your mind!!??"
26. You know how to "kililililili!" (girls only I'm afraid)
27. You smoke shisha better than anyone else
28. Even sneezing makes you sweat
29. You go skitz when people call you arab. You're NOT.
30. You have strange medical theories and customs such as eating red onion when you catch a cold.
31. You love the sun, sea and sand.
32. You have a death warrant meaning that even if you wanted to you couldn't go back to your country.
33. You are the master at changing the subject when people ask you where you're from.
34. You're parties always include the standard Arabic tunes
35. You tell no-one but they're also on your ipod
36. People confuse your synagogue with a mosque
37. You eat Shawarma, Rice and Hoummus on a regular basis
38. You have strange curses and insults like: "May G-d strangle you" and "May your head be buried in the sand"
39. You know that if you are gay, you WILL be disowned
40. You wear a half buttoned white shirt with hair sticking out
41. You have to teach your parents how to read a text
42. You have more cousins than people in your school.
43. You have had a slipper thrown at you by your mum at least once in your life
44. Your dad is ALWAYS right. Or else...
45. You have a normal first name but most people can't pronounce your surname.
46. You go through more hair gel than water in one day
47. When you were a kid you spoke with a some sort of a strange accent
48. You play the bongos
49. Half of your family have the same name. They have all been named after a great grandfather.
50. You've grown every goatee possible.

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does