Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Monday, April 04, 2005

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS Macquarie Fields

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours of this morning, with the epicentre in Macquarie Fields

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering, "F**kin ell"

And "Whadda carnt". The earthquake decimated the area causing Approximately $30.00 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Macquarie Fields Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived.

Sydney Radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in the area.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my Bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.

I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning".

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite to The area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which
include benefit books, Canterbury shirts, jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.

  ***************** HOW YOU CAN HELP******************

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for Those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Items most needed include: baseball caps holden racing, tracksuit tops (his and hers), Holden racing Suits (female), white sport socks, sturdy boots and any other items usually sold in Op Shops.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include, Pluto Pops, Donna Kebabs, McDonalds, KFC,ice cream and cans of Red Bull, Bacardi Breezer, or Special Brew.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in The compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, savaloys and gherkins, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Benson & Hedges and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas.

  ********************* BREAKING NEWS*********************
  Rescue workers have found a girl in the rubble smothered in blood. When asked "Where are you bleeding from?" the girl replied "The Fields - wazzat gotta do wif youz?"

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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