Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Conversation Starters

(Thank you LC)
I stopped at a convenience store on my way to work one morning. As I was standing in line to pay, the guy in front of me in line, a rather rough and dirty looking dude, looks at me and blurts out "Damn, I hate going to court." Concerned for my personal safety, I didn't acknowledge his statement but thought it a rather strange thing to say to strike up a conversation. Here are some more ill-conceived converstation starters that you may encounter from total strangers which can only lead to the start of some big trouble. You should avoid replying to these if possible...

1. "You know anything about rectal itch?

2. "I spoke to Jesus last night. Jesus Christ, that is."

3. "Hustler printed my letter... wanna see?"

4. "They think they can fire ME? I'll show 'em."

5. "TB, my ass. Those doctors don't know nuthin' (cough, cough)."

6. "Hey, nice pants!"

7. "Does this look malignant to you?"

8. "Yep, I used to smoke too before my sex change."

9. "What wine goes good with human flesh?"

10. "You look like a nice guy. I'll do you half-price."

11. "How does your light shine in the halls of Shambala?"

12. "Do you believe in life after love?"

13. "Hey buddy, do you know where the nearest blood bank is?"

14. "You wanna buy a midget?"

15. "Would you like some candy?"

16. "You look a lot like my old prison buddy."

17. "Woof, woof!"

18. "Wanna see something weird?"

19. "I always fart when I cough."

20. "What time does the President's motorcade pass through here?"

21. "We meet again, eh, Herr Doktor?"

22. "I'm wearing a thong... backwards."

23. "You don't look so tough."

24. "Sure is a nice day for a hanging."

25. "Relax... it's not real."

26. "Can you give me directions to the nearest playground?"

27. Damn, you shor' gots a purty mouth."

28. "See something you like, mister?"

29. "Do you like monkeys?"

30. "I shall haveth thine soul before the morrow."

31. "Assume the position."

32. "Do you have the document?"

33. "I just let the dogs out."

34. "Pardon me, Earthling... may I obtain a saliva sample?"

35. "Watch this..."

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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