Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Canonical Lists of Mommy Mommy Jokes

INTRODUCTION
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Another list of sick jokes for those of us who need this sort of thing.
WARNING: some of these jokes are considered "semi-x-rated"
please take this into consideration when distributing this list
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Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?
Shut up and eat your meat loaf.
Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate my sisters guts.
Shut up and eat what's put in front of you.
Mommy, Mommy! What's an Oedipus complex?
Shut up and kiss me!
Mommy, Mommy! What's for dinner?
Shut up and get back in the oven!
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up, light your cigarette, drink your whisky and deal those cards.
Mommy, Mommy! What is a deliquant child?
Shut up and pass me the crowbar.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!
Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play with grandma?
Not today, we already dug her three times this week.
Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!
Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!
Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! What's a werewolf?
Shut up and comb your face!
Mommy, Mommy! Whats an orgasm?
I don't know dear, ask your father.
Mommy, Mommy! Billy won't let go of my ear.
Billy, let go of Susie's ear.
Billy! Let go of her ear!
All right Billy, give me the ear.
Mommy, Mommy! I hate daddy's guts.
Well, just leave them on the side of the plate.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get Gramma off the doorknob!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is daddy so pale?
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like grandpa.
Well, just push him aside and eat your beans.
Mommy, Mommy! Grandpa's going out!
Well throw some more gasoline on him then.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to go to Australia.
Shut up son and keep swimming.
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we pushing the car off the cliff?
Shut up son, you'll wake your father.
Mommy, Mommy! I keep running in circles.
Shut up son or I'll nail your other foot to the floor
Mommy, Mommy! The milkmans here; have you got the money or
should I go out an play?
Mommy, Mommy! Why's everybody running?
Shut up and reload.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't wanna visit grandma!
Shut up and keep digging.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I lick the bowl?
Shut up and flush.
Mommy, Mommy! I'm sick of learning how to swim!
Shut up or I'll flush it again!
Mommy, Mommy! It's cold and dark and damp down here.
Shut up or I'll flush it again.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want hamburgs for supper!
Shut up or I'll grind your other hand.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE tomato juice!
Shut up and drink it before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like tomato soup!
Shut up, we only have it once a month.
Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spagetti!
Shut up or I'll pull the veins out of your other arm.
Mommy, Mommy! There's something in daddy's eye!
Shut up and eat around it.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy puked!
Shut up and get a fork, before your sister gets all the big chunks!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are you moaning?
Shut up son, and keep licking.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I get pregnant?
Of course not dear, you are only seven years old.
OK boys, same again...
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we get a garburator?
Shut up and chew!
Mommy, Mommy! Joey is biting grandma's nail.
Joey, stop it, or I am closing the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I buy a new dress?
You know it won't fit over your iron lung.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't I play with the other kids?
Shut up and deal.
Mommy, Mommy! Can I brush my teeth?
Yes, now shut up and get the jar!
Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!
Shut up and get away from the dart board!
Mommy, Mommy! My teacher says my head is too big.
Shut up and get your hat from the garage, so your father can bring the car in!
Mommy, Mommy! Can I play in the sandbox?
Not until I find a better place to bury Daddy.
Mommy, Mommy! Why can't we give Dad a decent burial?
Shut up and keep flushing.
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's on fire!
Shut up and get the marshmallows!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy fell in the campfire!
Shut up and get the barbecue sauce!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!
Shut up and step on the gas!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara falls!
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! I want to play with Sheldon!
Shut up and close the coffin!
Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?
Shut up and get back in the barrel!
Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!
Shut up and eat your hamburger!
Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?
Shut up and search the sand traps!
Mommy, Mommy! I've lost my fingers!
Shut up and eat your french fries!
Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?
Shut up and lick.
Mommy, Mommy! What's oral sex?
mmmrmmph mumble mumble mmhhh mmrph mmumble!
Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy bent over and crying?
Shut up and eat your hot dog!
Mommy, Mommy! When will we have this nice yellow pudding again?
Shut up, you know that grandma's leg is no longer infested.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like Sis!
Shut up, and keep eating!
Mommy, Mommy! I'd like to play marbles now!
Keep quiet, you can't use Grandpa's glass eye today!
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like the crunchy stuff in my pea soup!
Keep quiet and eat what is on the table or do you think I pour Grandpa's vomit
through a sieve?
Mommy, Mommy! Can I wear a bra now? I'm 16..
Shut up, Albert....
Mommy, Mommy! Sally won't come skipping with me.
Don't be cruel dear, you know it makes her stumps bleed.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a big head?
Don't worry. Take your cap and go get me 40 lbs of potatoes at the store.
Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?
You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is how to learn to swim?
Shut up and get back in the sack!
Mommy, Mommy! Why does daddy have his Knob in the bread bin?
Ignore him son, he's fucking crackers!
Mommy, Mommy! How come sis gets to watch TV and I can't?
Shut up or I'll cut your ears off, too!
Mommy, Mommy! Don't push me towards the elevator
shAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the right way to cook Peking Duck?"
Shut up and close the microvawe oven door behind you!
Mommy, Mommy! Why don't I have a big thing like Daddy's between my legs?
You will when you're older, Lucy!
Mommy, Mommy! Why are we celebrating Christmas in July?
Shut up, you know you have cancer.
Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice.
Mommy, Mommy! Why does Daddy's dick taste so bad?
Shut up and give your sister another tampon.
Mommy, Mommy! I just sucked Daddy and my mouth smells shit!
Well, your little brother probably has diarrhoea...
Mommy, Mommy! Why do they call me spastic at school?
Shut up and take your legs out your pockets.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to empty the compost heap.
Shut up and keep eating.
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door.
Alt answer
Shut up and get the maple syrup.
"Come upstairs, son, like a good boy."
"No, Mommy, you'll only throw me down again."
Daddy, Daddy! What is queer?
Shut up and unhook my bra.
What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his
Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver?
Answer: "But, Mommy, you said that if I was good, I could halve him."
This is from something which my wife brought home from work, an office
primarily filled with females.

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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