Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

The Improved Dieter's Guide to Sex

THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent 12
Without partner's consent 187
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands. .7
Using one trembling hand 36
Using skateboard.... 3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man.. 2.5
Losing erection 14
Searching for it. 115
PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
With erection 1.5
Without erection. 30
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM If the woman who does it is

Experienced 6
Inexperienced. 73
If a man does it 680
Add (5) calories for retrieving it from across the room
ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top,woman in kitchen. 26
Russian- Woman on bottom Man getting permission 55
American- Both on top 60
SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE
Bouncing. 7
Sliding around .9
Serious skidding. 12
Whiplash. 27
Lifting partner 15
Dragging partner on floor 16
ORGASM
Real. 27
Faked 160
ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 1/2
Orchestra swelled. 6
Birds sang
Large birds 7
Small birds. 3
Earth moved 30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm.. 1/2
A few moments before orgasm 500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman. 3
For men 72
GUILT
orgasm comes easily 53
You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are starving. .2
Sex on your lunch hour 3
Putting it on expense account. 20
AGGRAVATION
Partner visiting bathroom for 7th time 10
: Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay 14
Partner keeps showing plants 5
Partner taking phone calls .7
Partner making phone calls 40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner's spouse 60
By your spouse 100
Trying to explain. 55
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 75
Getting dressed in one motion 500
Thanking partner quickly 2

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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