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These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can.Originally came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can.However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessedseparately. Soon to be disontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer.All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself.The ingredients list is not on the can.If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know."A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trash can

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular.Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's.Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time.Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz. can.Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously.Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower.Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up.You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful.The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer.It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them.Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, had some of the same ingredients that come in DOSBeer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators.The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 Beer starts shipping.Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for these occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some wierd German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing.Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group.It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely unbeer-like contents.Best drunk in high pressure development environments.When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to anunknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA.Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicials Desk Reference as a tranquilizer,but no one can claim to have actually seen it.The biggest problem is before you can drink any one of them you have tobuy a really expensive bag of chips to go with it.
(author unknown)

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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