These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Saturday, May 15, 2004

One Liners

Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
I ain't broke, but I am badly bent.
I always did like climbing trees.Do you think it could be genetic?
I asked about my family tree once and they told me I was a sap.
I can't be fired slaves have to be sold.
I desire that we may be better strangers.
I didn't know lasers could be printed.
I distinctly remember forgetting that.
I do not pretend to know what the ignorant are sure of.
I don't care what they say, I still like you.
I don't eat snails; I'm a fast food kind of guy.
I don't know what it is but it's in great condition.
I don't meet competition, I crush it.
I don't think therefore I'm not.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve
it by not dying.
I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.
I don't work here, I just hold a position.
I dont nead no speling cheker!
I doubt therefore I might be.
I em a wunderfull spelur.I tipe vari gud two.
I feel more like I do now that I did a while ago.
I finally thought I had it made and they threw something else at me.
I finally got it all together and promptly forgot where I put it.
I gave it up until Lent.
I got lost in thought once.It's the only time I went.Easy to get lost
in unfamiliar territory, y'know.
I had my head examined.They didn't find anything.
I hate to repeat gossip so I'll only say this once.
I have a really good memory except that it's so short.
I have a rock garden.Last week three of them died.
I have a vitally important role serving as a bad example.
I have become comfortable numb.
I have been poor and I have been rich.Rich is better.
I have PMS and a handgun.Any questions?
I kinda like this music; my compliments to the clef.
I live in the state of denial.
I multitask...I read in the bathroom.
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay.
I tried playing my shoehorn but all I got were footnotes.
I tried to contain myself, but I escaped.
I used to be indecisive, no I'm not so sure.
I want either less corruption or a chance to participate.
I'd love to but I have to recharge my flamethrower.
I'll bet you can't stop reading here.See, I knew it!
I'm a person of color and my color is white.
I'm a solid supporter of whichever side eventually wins.
I'm as poor as Job, but not nearly so patient.
I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
I'm in total control, but please don't tell my wife.
I'm not a bad typist, my fingers stutter.
I'm not arrogant, I'm right.
I'm not breaking the rules, I'm just testing their elasticity.
I'm not completely worthless, I can always serve as a bad example.
I'm not conceited, I'm convinced.
I'm not insane, I'm affected by a high degree of intellectual independence.
I'm not lost, just temporarily misoriented.
Your absence makes good company.
Your analyst has you confused with another patient.
Your apartment is not a boa's natural habitat.
Your call will be answered in the order in which it was ignored.
Your code is theoretically beautiful, but it won't work.
Your email has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Your ex just called...She works for the IRS now.
Your ignorance cramps our conversation.
Your karma just ran over my dogma.
Your motherboard wears combat reboots.
Your proctologist called.He found your brain.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Your solution is moronic.The problem, however, is quite interesting.
Your work is very poor, but at least it's slow.
Your Yin and Yang are no longer on speaking terms.
Youth isn't a time of life, it's a state of mind.
Youthful figure:What you get when asking a woman's age.
Zulu time:A Zulu warrior with time on his hands.
Zygote:A gamete's way of producing more gametes.
Lead by example.
Lead, follow, or get outta the way.
Learning is a wondrous thing.
Learning makes people fit company for themselves.
Learning without thought is labor lost.
Left lane must turn right.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leisure is the mother of philosophy.
Lemonade:First aid for lemons.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let he who is stoned cast the first sin.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it my Monday.
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow...enough already!
Let length(walk)length(pier).
Let me know if this message doesn't get through to you.
Let no good deed go unrewarded.
Let problems make you better, not bitter.
Let x x.
Let's keep this adult now, okay Mr. PoopyPants?
Let's play horse.I'll be the front, you be you.
Let's spend this night together.
Let's win this one and go home.
Liar:One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Lie:A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
Life and liberty are safe only when congress is in recess.
Life has a lot of undocumented features.
Life is a dirty trick.
Life is a game.Money is how we keep score.
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
Life is a tragedy for feelers and a comedy for thinkers.
Life is a yoyo and mankind ties knots in the string.
Live long and prosper, but don't let the IRS know.
Live long enough to become a problem to your kids.
Live:Know the past; help the present; touch the future.
Loafer:Someone trying to make two weekends meet.
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Long live the C64!Ggguys?I was only kiddin'... BANGLooks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.
Lose weight:Eat stuff you hate.
Lost interest?It's so bad I've even lost apathy!
Love conquers all except poverty and toothaches.
Love is a grave mental disease.
Love is being stupid together.
Love is blind to everything except fat.
Love is chemistry, sex is physics.
Love is grand; divorce, twenty grand.
Love is like a baseball game; four balls and you walk.
Love is sentimental measles.
Love makes the world go round.
Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.
Lunacy is my best personality trait!
Lunatic Asylum:The place where optimism most flourishes.
Macho does not prove mucho.
Maintainer's Motto:If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Two is company, three is the result.
Two types of people:Those who finish what they start and those
Ultimate office automation:Networked coffee machines.
Unable to retain coffee; back in just a minute.
Unbreakable toys are good for breaking other toys.
Uninsured?Call San Andreas Equity at 310NOFAULT.
Unsolicited advice answers unasked questions.
Unspeakable error in module FE at address $
Up the proverbial creek without a means of locomotion.
Upgrade (v):Take the old bugs out and put new ones in.
Use contraceptives at every conceivable occasion.
Use roman numerals on your income tax return.
Usually insane, in lucid moments I'm merely stupid.
Vanguard:The person left behind to guard the van.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Very good, Einstein, but next time show your work.
Veteran, Bermuda Triangle Exploration Team 19951955.
Viaduct?I dunno, why a duck?
Virtual Reality, for people who can't handle the real one.
Virus strikes African antelope!Gnus at 11...
Vuja De:The feeling you've never been here before.
WAIT!!! Don't pick up the pho^$L%'#!(
Want the right answer?Ask the right question!
War does not decide who is right, only who is left.
Warning:The surgeon General has started smoking!
Warranty void upon final payment.
Watch out for barking dogs that bite.
We believe in free will.We have no choice.
We give nothing so willingly as our advice.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself.That's enough.
We need more unemployed politicians.
We're judged by what we finish, not what we start.
We're lost but making good time.
We've experienced a 360 degree turnaround.
We've missed you, but we'll aim better next time.
Weather's her; wish you were beautiful.
Weight Loss:The triumph of mind over platter.
Welcome to last year's meeting of the Procrastinators' Club.
Welcome to the International Tongue Wrestling Championship.
Welfare is a narcotic, a destroyer of human spirit.
Welfare:A program that promotes laziness and bastardy.
Well, to be frank, I'd have to change my name.
What a lovely world it is that has women in it!
What are the instructions doing in the trash?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What did you get on your IQ test?Drool?
What do batteries run on?
What is the world coming to?A dead end.
What part of "No" didn't you understand?
What principles?I'm trying to get elected!
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What was wrong with the ham before it was cured?
What would chairs look like if our knees were reversed?

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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