Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Medical Terms

Benign................What you be after you be eight.
Artery................The study of paintings.
Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat scan...............Searching for kitty.
Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.
Colic.................A sheep dog.
Coma..................A punctuation mark.
D & C.................Where Washington is.
Dilate................To live long.
Enema.................Not a friend.
Fester................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula................A small lie.
Genital...............Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.
Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.
Node..................Was aware of
Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum................Darn near killed him.
Secretion.............Hiding something.
Seizure...............Roman emperor.
Tablet................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus Station
Tumor.................More than one.
Urine.................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose..............Near by/close by.
Vein..................Conceited.
Empoyee's Lingo.
===============
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
Life Before Computers.
=====================
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-1/2 floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they wish they were dead!

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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