Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

CONSUMER PRODUCT LABELLING

In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions from various international consumer products?? ...

* On a blanket from Taiwan: NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

* On a helmet-mounted mirror used by American cyclists: REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

* On a Taiwanese shampoo: USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

* On the bottle-top of a British flavoured milk drink: AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

* On a New Zealand insect spray: THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

* In an American guide to setting up a new computer: TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

* On a packet of American Sunmaid raisins: WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

* On an American Sears hairdryer: DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

* On a bag of American Fritos-brand Corn Chips: *YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. * DETAILS INSIDE.(The shoplifter's special!)

* On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box): DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.(Too late! You lose!)

* On a Korean kitchen knife:* WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.(Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

* On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.(As opposed to use in outer space?)

* On a Japanese food processor: NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.(Now I'm curious!)

* On British Sainsbury's peanuts: WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.(Really?)

* On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.(I'm glad they cleared that up.)

* On a Canadian child's Superman costume: WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

* On some British frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

* On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

* On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

* On a British Boots' "Children's" Cough Medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

* On a British Nytol Sleep Aid Tablets label: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.(Duh!)

* On British Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment?? ...?? )

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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