You sue your wife for divorce because she has a much better job than you do.
You retire, only to get a better job as a janitor.
You think blondes are "pretty sharp cookies."
You've been on TV more than once describing what the tornado sounded like.
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week".
Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
You've ever stabbed the back of someone's hand while they were reaching for the last piece of chicken
When packing for vacation, you biggest decision is whether to use paper or plastic.
There are four pair of pants and three squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
The family business requires a lookout.
You think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.
You slam the door on your truck and your shotgun creates an instant sunroof.
You have to curl the sides of your cowboy hat so your wife can ride in the truck, too.
You've ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
Your mother has ever been arrested for poaching.
You've ever been arrested for relieving yourself in an ice machine.
Your wife's brass knuckles set off the airport security alarm.
Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field."
You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.
You've ever been arrested on an obscene mud-flap charge.
You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
Your welcome mat says. "You'd better have a search warrant."
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
The only work your father ever did was supervised by a man holding a shotgun.
You converted ~our carport into a beauty shop.
You think the "six to ten pounds" on the side of a Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal!"
You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
Your idea of a summer vacation is running through the sprinkler in the front yard.
Stealing road signs is a family outing.
The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
You forego a haircut because there's not a clean bowl in the house.
You feel guilty about hitting that guy for what he said about your mother because he was just telling the truth.
You hold a frog and it worries about getting warts.
You paint your ear with house paint.
You paint your house purple because that color was cheaper.
You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
You're still upset about "Gunsmoke" being canceled.
You drove to elementary school.
You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
You've ever lost your wife in a poker game.
You're wife ever lost you in a poker game.
You think safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
You've ever had sex behind a gas station... with the attendant.
Your sister subscribes to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
Your wife has four-wheel drive on her vacuum cleaner.
The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
You think the Nutcracker is something you did of the high dive.
You say "I heard dat!" more than three times in a two-minute conversation.
You know how to milk a goat.
You're family has a two room house so you have to sleep with your sister and cousin, and you begin to like it.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rear view mirror.
You have a tire swing in your house.
Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
If you look up to and have deep respect for your insurance salesman.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify~.
Your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.
You've ever taken out a restraining order against your mother-in-law.
You sell rabbits out of your car.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with your armpits.
You have a bumper sticker on your bowling ball.
Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do.
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
You bring a bar of soap to a public pool.
MI of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
You wash your car more often than your kids.
You're not allowed to mention the game warden's name in the house.
You see a sign that says "Just say no to crack" and it reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.
Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.
Your Christmas lights shut down the local power grid.
There are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus.
Blowing a tire means a new flower pot for the front yard.
Everyone in your family is an Elvis impersonator.
You know anyone who plays the accordion.
You offer to give somebody the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
You can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car.
Your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.
Your belt buckle is bigger than your head.
The Orkin man tells you, "Give up; you've lost."
You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
You have ever been run over while rabbit hunting off the front of your pick-up.
Your ear breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
You've ever asked a widow for her phone number at the funeral home.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
Your idea of a really big time is shooting rats at the dump.
You've ever been the first person in or the last person out of a video arcade.
There are antlers nailed to your car hood.
You've ever left Santa Claus a PBR and a Slim Jim.
You pay your baby doctor with home canned black-eyed peas, and he looks
forward to it every season.
Your parrot can say, "Open up, it's the police!"
You think paprika is a third-world country.
You wore curlers to your wedding so you would look nice at the reception.
Your neighbors have ever asked to borrow the light bulb.
You think "recycling" means going home from work.
Your roof has a leak from when you where practicing your quick-draw
You think toilet water is exactly that. .
You think cow tipping should be an Olympic sport.
You shp for groceries at a gas station.
Your car stereo cost more than your car.
You we the bed and four other people immediately know it.
You come back from the dump with more than you took.
Your dog doubles as your dishwasher.
You live so far out in the country that your newspaper is yellow by the time you get it.
Your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.
The EPA moves everyone out of your neighborhood do to rust contamination.
Your dog was crushed when your home fell of the cinder blocks.
Your dog can smoke a cigarette.
You've ever heckled during a eulogy.
The Roto-Rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that smell?"
Your wading boots double as dress pants.
The last photos of your mama were taken from the front and side.
The trunk of your car is tied down and you're not hauling anything.
People hunt in your front yard.
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
You hang pickled eggs and pop4orts from your Christmas tree.
Today's dinner was to slow crossing the highway yesterday.
Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
Your truck can pass over a 55-gallon drum without touching it.
Your Christmas tree has a deer stand in it.
You refer to the fifth grade as "my senior year."
Your mother gives you tips on how to sneak liquor into sports events.
You ever felt like you got took on a mobile home trade in.
Your idea of going formal is a black truck.
Your younger sister explained the birds and the bees to you.
You have a tattoo that says, "Born to bag groceries."
All the art in your living room was purchased at gas stations.
Your wife owns a camouflage nightie.
Breakfast every morning is interrupted by someone asking, "Anybody seen my teeth?"
Your muffler is held on by a coat hanger.
Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night requires shoes and a flashlight.
You wake up with Red Man in your hair.
You keep catfish in your aquarium.
Your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.
When you talk about great mullet fishermen, Granny's name always comes up-
You have orange road cones in your living room.
You can take your bra off while driving.
You get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.
Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
You walk into a restaurant with a toothpick in your mouth.
You can burp the entire chorus of "Jingle Bells."
You can't schedule a family reunion until afte3r the parole board meets.
You can't get cheap long-distance phone service because none of your friends or relatives have phones.
You have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.
You get your oil changed by your barber.
Girls' night out is held at the Laundromat.
There is a ham hanging from your front porch.
You can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.
Dust storms make you homesick.
Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
You have to mow your driveway.
You give away more free puppies than the Human Society.
You can't visit any of your friends or relatives without getting mud on your tires.
You ever cut your grass and found a car.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
You burn your yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born,.
Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a mo~e
You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.
Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
You own a denim leisure suit.
You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BlGOT.
Your family tree does not fork.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
You've ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, "For a good time call....'
You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.
After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
All of your four letter words are two syllables.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
Your life's ambition is to own a fireworks stand.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
You consider a sixpack and a bug zapper quality entertainment.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle~
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You've used lard in bed.
The primary color of your ear is bondo.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
Your wife's hairdo has been ruined by a ceiling fan.
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You barbecue Spam on the grill.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your front porch falls in and kills more than three dogs.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Dude".
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
Your father encouraged you to quit school because Larry had an opening on the lube rack.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue Ellen to walk by.
Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sport event.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave `em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You use the term "over yonder" more than once a month.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?".
If you think one of the only good things about cars is that now there is a lot less horse stealing.
If you've ever bought a car where everything makes noise except the horn.
If you think a complete, seven-piece camping outfit is a blanket and six-pack.
If your favorite mall is three pickups backed up to the highway.
If the only streetlight in your town is an RC machine in front of the general store.
If people often decide to follow you up on the next elevator for any reason.
If you are not a lawyer, but spend more time in court than Perry Mason.
If you were your ex-wife's sixth husband.
If you think good manners is pulling cream in your coffee before you pour it in your saucer.
If your family business was wiped out when they invented automatic car washes.
If you think one of the greatest issues of our times is that there are ten hot dogs to a package but only eight buns.
If anyone you know has ever tried to sneak a sheep into a cheap motel room.
If you can't ask your mother-in-law to move because it's her house.
If you think that "speaking northern" is multilingual.
If your granny died in the rocker two weeks ago and you just noticed.
If you proposed to your wife over a romantic dinner in the Wal-Mart dinner.
If you've noticed your girlfriends name tattooed on three or more local bikers.
If you've noticed your girlfriend has the names of three or more local bikers tattooed on her.
If your sister's resume includes six-years at Big Maggie's House of Painful Delights.
If the emergency number you leave with people is an adult bookstore.
If you've ever bragged about seeing every episode of "Gilligan's Island" at least four times.
If you've memorized the phone number of at least one bail bondsman.
If your idea of a classy restaurant is one where every table has its own stack of ketchup packets.
If you pick up your date early so she can help with the laundry.
If you've ever refused to pay for a meal because that sushi stuff tasted just like raw fish.
If you think Roe v. Wade are two different ways to cross a river.
If you readily answer anyone who shouts "hey you!"
If you've ever used the term "blanket head" while visiting Iran.
If your idea of a balanced breakfast is a Bud in both hands.
If you own a dog named Killer.
If you've ever been attacked by the KICK on your way home from your job at Joe's Oil and Lube.
If any member of your family has ever been arrested on an obscenity charge in a movie theater.
These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.
- I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.I'm the Conservative Voice.I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill.
I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.
I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious).
I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..
Ignore my politics, the media does
- ► 2009 (53)
- ► 2008 (13)
- ► 2005 (82)
- A seminar for the Economically Challenged
- Jesus at The Pearly Gates.
- CHINESE PROVERBS
- Sheer Luck Holmes
- Ever been accused of not knowing Jack Schitt.
- What if 3 Wise Men were Women?
- Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
- THE 10 TOP THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK
- News from Heaven
- Architect Like Programmer
- The things you NEED to know.
- How to Impress
- Ethnicity of Jesus
- MANAGEMENT LESSONS
- The Bonus Question
- CONSUMER PRODUCT LABELLING
- Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
- One Liners
- If Operating Systems Were Beers...
- Last Things Said
- ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST
- The Value of Time
- Why We Are All Proud To Be Australian Citizens!!
- Whose Job Is It?
- Medical Terms
- Employer's Lingo
- World's Easiest Quiz
- Jewish Buddhism.
- Deep Thoughts Jack Handey
- CHURCH NOTICES
- YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF . . .
- A Canonical List of Nun Jokes
- Alphabetised B to D of some sayings
- Making Fun of
- From the Classifieds or Headlines
- Elephant Jokes
- More Elephant Jokes
- One Small Step for a Man
- Pachydermic Personel Prediction
- Hearing Test
- TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT...
- Men Who Use Computers Are The New Sex Symbols Of T...
- Computer Business Retreat
- You Know You are Addicted to Internet When .....
- YOU KNOW YOU'RE TOO SERIOUS ABOUT COMPUTERS
- Top 50 Things to do in an elevator
- The Graduate
- Blonde Joke
- Strange Sex Laws
- DILBERT'S THEOREM ON SALARY
- The F Word
- ▼ May (53)