Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

News from Heaven

"Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal began when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's 'only son' last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she 'had loved God for a long time, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was 'thrilled to have had His child.' In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that 'No sexual relationship existed,' and that 'the facts of this story will come out in time, verily.'

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Angelic Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to His illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the 'Wise Men.' Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate 'That God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal'. In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a 'tough-on-crime' plan consisting of a series of 10 'Commandments,' which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses.

Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the 'Name in Vain' Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech. "

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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