Translator

These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

A Canonical List of Nun Jokes

1. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: None.

2. Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups???
A: Tell her she's pregnant!!!

3. Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

4. Q: What is the definition of innocence?
A: A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

5. Q: What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
A: A roaming catholic.

6. Q: What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
A: A tran-sister.

7. Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Two nuns in a bath. The first one says "Where's the soap"; the second one replies "Yes it does, doesn't it"

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"

Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to have 120 bananas for the convent."
Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economic to buy 144 of them."
Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."

Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You've know this priest a long time already. What would he give for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.

Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than
he with his pants down."

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

Two nuns are walking down an alley at night. Two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to heaven and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing." The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

A group of people are touring the White House in Washington D.C. As the tour ends, they are waiting in line to sign the visitors register. A group of Nuns are in line to sign the book, followed by a Jewish family with their young son Sheldon. As they near the visitors registry, young Sheldon loses patience and runs ahead to sign the book. However, his mother stops him and admonishes him saying, "Wait till the nun signs Shelly!"

It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me , Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."

The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak... Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And I also found a condom.
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And it has been used!
99 nuns: Oh, no!
1 nun: Hee, hee, hee.
Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it!
1 nun: Oh, No!
99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!.....

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"
She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns.
"Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
"No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
"I'm sure."
"Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
"What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy
fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"....

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door.
The nun calls: "Who is it?"
a voice answers: "A blind man".
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says:
"Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?"

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!"

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!"

Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?"
1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
2nd nun : "An apple"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes
grow wide and she barks: "What the (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeb) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant"

A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem, he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party".


This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. Then the man sayeth unto her saying, "What will you tell the Holy
Father now, Sister?" She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're tired."

Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.

Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.

There was this Irish nun sitting on the curb, sipping a bottle o' stout and obviously drunk out of her mind. The town constable walked up to her and said, "Sure, now sister Colleen, and why'd ya be doing a thing like this?" The sister replied, "Oh now, it's not fer me-self I done it sir. I done it fer the mother superior to cure her constipation." The perplexed policeman looked askance at this and asked, "And how might it be that yer present state could have anything to do with the mother superior's constipation?" To which sister Colleen said, "When she sees me this way, she'll be shittin a brick."

A priest decides to pay a visit to a nearby convent. The convent is in a run-down neighborhood, and as the priest walks down the street several prostitutes approach and proposition him. "Twenty bucks a trick!" These solicitations embarass the priest who lowers his head and hurries on until he gets to the convent. Once inside he displays his naivete by asking the Mother Superior, "What is a trick?" She answers, "Twenty bucks -- just like on the outside!"

A nun is driving her (well, the convent's) car through some very lonely countryside. The car stops and she notices there is no petrol left. So she walks to the nearest filling station. But of course, being
a nun, she is a little unworldly, and so she forgot to take along the canister for the petrol. The nice guy at the filling station has no canister either. He thinks for a while, then he hands her a chamber-pot full of petrol. The nun walks back to her car and starts pouring the petrol into the tank. A bypassing car stops, and the driver looks out and says: "Sister, how I would like to have as much faith as you do!"

Married To A Nun

I'm a married man but I have no fun
'cause I got married to a lady nun
'nd I can't even dare to say
what really happen' on the weddin' day
'nd then I said, I'll fool around
sneak at night and make no sound
pay a visit to the lady neighbor
spend the night 'nd do some labor
but then she caught me at the door
'nd banged my ass right to the floor
'nd now I'm married 'nd I have fun
just lying idle in the sun

During a blizzard, a parishinor of a Milwaukee parish was in a bad accident near Green Bay. The priest and nun from Milwaukee were driving up to the hospital the victim was in, in case last rites (sp?) were necessary. As they were driving, the storm got worse and worse. Finally they decided they would have to stop for the night because the roads were so bad. The only motel they could find was already full of stranded travellers. The clerk told the priest "Since you are a priest and all, I will give you a room for the night, but I just can't give you each a separate room, you will have to make do with two beds in one room." The priest thanked him and payed for the room. during the night, the power went out, and the heat went out with it. Luckily there were a lot of blankets is the closet. After a while, the nun asked, father, father, I'm cold--so the priest got another blanket and put it on her. After a while longer, she said "father, I'm cold, can you get me another blanket," so he did. After a while, she again asked for a blanket. This time the priest responded "I think in the situation we should pretend to be husband and wife in order to keep warm." The nun was stunned and didn't think it was appropriate, but he was the priest, so she really couldn't argue. She said "O.K., father, if you are sure its proper we can pretend to be husband and wife" to which he responded: "SO GET YOUR OWN DAMN BLANKET!"

A group on nuns are travelling in a car when it has a flat tire. They get out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly do not know how to do it. Luckily, a truck came along and the (male) driver offered to change it for them. They gladly accepted. As the trucker jacked up the car, it slipped from the jack. "Son-of-a-bitch," he yelled. The eldest nun said to him,"That is not nice language. We understand that you are upset, but you mustn't use such language."
"Sorry, Sister", he said, and tried again. Again it slipped, this time almost mashing his fingers. "Son-of-a-bitch", he yelled again.
"Please, don't use such language. If changing our tire is causing you to do so, it would be better if you didn't help us."
"But I get so upset, and it just comes out."
"Well," said the nun, "say something else when you get upset, something like 'Sweet Jesus, help me'".
So the trucker tried to jack up the car again. Again it slipped. He started to say "So..", but he corrected himself and said, "Sweet Jesus help me." At that, the car just lifted up into the air by itself. The nuns looked at the car and said, "Son-of-a-bitch!"

About Me

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I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.

I'm the Conservative Voice. 

I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill. 

I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.

I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious). 

I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..

Ignore my politics, the media does 

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