Q: What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Q: What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
A: Anything you want, it can't hear you.
Q: Why do elephants drink so much?
A: To try to forget.
Q: What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow?
A: An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
Q: Why did the Elephant stand on the marshmellow?
A: So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don't, you get down from a duck.
Q: Why is an elephant big, grey, and wrinkly?
A: Because, if it was small, white and smooth it would be an Aspirin.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
A: An inside out elephant.
Q: What's grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
A: Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
Q: What is grey and not there.
A: No elephants.
Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant?
A: With a blue elephant gun, of course.
Q: How do you shoot a red elephant?
A: No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a green elephant?
A: Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
Q: How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
A: Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Have you ever tried to iron one?
Q: How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
A: He paints his balls red and sits in a cherry tree.
- similar joke -
Q: Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q: What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
A: A native eating cherries.
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries.
Q: What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A: A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
Q: How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
A: Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
A: It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
Q: How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
A: Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A: So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
Q: What sound do monkeys hate most?
Q: Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It was glued to the first one.
Q: Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
A: It thought it was a game.
Q: And why did the tree fall down?
A: It thought it was an elephant.
Q: What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
A: An elephant's foreskin.
Q: Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
A: When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
Q: How many legs does an elephant have?
A: Four, two in the front, two in the back.
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chicken's day off.
Q: What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
A: About 5 mph (8kph in the rest of the world)
Q: How do you know if you pass an elephant?
A: You can't get the toilet seat down.
Q: How do you get an elephant into a VW?
A: Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
Q: What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
Q: How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
A: Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagon bug?
A: 2 in the front and 2 in the back
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
A: Two sets of footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
A: Can't get the fridge door closed.
Q: How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
A: There's a VW bug parked outside it.
Q: How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
A: Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge.
A fridge large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
Q: How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
A: Open door, get two VW's out, put tarzan in, close door.
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
A: you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
Q: How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
A: You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Q: Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
A: The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
Q: How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
A: Depends on the number of elephants.
Q: What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
A: The sun roof.
Q: The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of
them showed up except the elephants. Why?
A: They were stuck in the VW bug.
Q: How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
A: None, the elephants are in there!
Q: What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
A: Free Parking.
Q: What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
A: Sole use of the elevator.
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A: You walk him and pitch to the Zebra!
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
A: It's bike is outside.
Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.
Q: How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
A: Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they don't sink in the sand.
Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
Q: How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
A: To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the way.
Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. They're both blue, except for the elephant.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
A: "Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
Q: What did Jane say?
A: Here come the blueberries. (Jane was color blind)
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over the hill?
A: Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
Q: How do you make a dead elephant float?
A: Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons tons of bananas,.....
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: From stamp out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From stamp out flaming ducks.
Q: Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
A: Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
Q: What is a furry alligator?
A: A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: They can't tell time.
Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Watchless natives.
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: 5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
Q: What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing pink sweatshirts?
A: They're all on the same team.
Q: How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
A: She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
Q: Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
A: Because they might let down their trunks.
Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: 'Cos sheep don't have strings.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has its period?
A: There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
Q: What is an elephant's sex organ?
A: His foot... If he steps on you you're FUCKED!
Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: "Can I be on top this time?"
Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
Q: Why do elephants have trunks?
A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
Q: What do you do when you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
Q: Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
A: None of the offspring survived.
Q: How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in tall grass?
A: VERY attractive.
Q: How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in you're yard?
A: The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
Q: What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
A: Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
Q: What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
A: He stamped it to death and then said "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!".
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
A: Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
A: Zero - a mountain climber is a scaler.
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What's grey and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A: Swim for your life!!
Q: Why do elephants lay on their backs?
A: To trip low flying canaries.
Q: Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
A: He wasn't laying on his back.
Q: Why do elephants have Big Ears?
A: Because Noddy won't pay the ransom. (somebody want to explain this for me?)
Q: Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
A: Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
Q: Whats that red stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow pygmies.
Q: How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your back yard?
A: The fence is broken and one of your Hefty bags is gone.
Q: What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain slopes?
A: Swim for your life!
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A: A dead ant.
Q: How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but you need a real big bulb.
Q: What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A: A blow job.
Q: How do you make an elephant fly?
A: Start with a 3 foot zipper.
Q: What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
A: An elephant with spare parts
These jokes are of an unknown origin. Feel free to submit corrections or add to the list. I will edit when possible, to improve the flow and correct errors.
- I'm author of History in a Year by the Conservative Voice aka History of the World in a Year by the Conservative Voice.I'm the Conservative Voice.I'm looking to make contact with those who might use my skill.
I have an m-audio mobile pre amp fed by the audiotechnica 2041sp condensor mic pack. Prior to 15/4/06, I'd used a Shure sm-58 that required a nuclear blast to register a sound or the internal mic of my aged imac, which has a penchance to recording my breathing. I also used a Griffin itrip, until the community convinced me it was not hiding my talent as well as the other mics.
I am a Writer and an occasional Math Teacher (Sir, what's the occasion?). I like to sing, having no instrumental talent (cannot even clap in time, and yes, I'm aware singing badly IS obnoxious).
I have performed the finale to Les Miserables before an audience of 500. I have also sung before a similar audience (students, parents) renditions of 'I Will' (Beatles), 'Mr Cairo' (Jon Vangelis) and 'I am Australian' (Seekers). Now I seek another profession because the audience hates me ..
Ignore my politics, the media does
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